Finding Strength Through Writing

Finding My Voice

Growing up afraid robbed me of my voice back then.  I was left with just that feeling of fear!  It rips at you.  Bombards your brain with a million gnawing insect-like scenarios of all the bad that could happen if... What if...What if...What if...

It seems only right that the picture shown here represents my mother (her high school typewriter, her childhood shoes).  She bestowed fear upon me but interestingly enough, she also inadvertently filled me with an anger and it has been this anger that has fueled me through many frightening storms.  And from her place in the spirit kingdom, she maybe felt that I deserved a little something for all the years of chaos I had lived through.  She guided me to her typewriter and said, "Write about it." And the words flowed.

Tell a Story About It

I have a two year old grand-daughter, now, who repeatedly says "Tell a story about it." and she wants to hear over and over again about events that captured her interest for instance her favorite - "Tell a story about the little girl who dumped the garbage."  And so we do just that.  We tell and retell the story about the day that her sister dumped the garbage and how in the end it was all ok.  It could be cleaned up.

It's this connection that makes me think about how many times I have wanted to "tell a story about" my memories of my childhood.  And every time I would put the words on paper, I would find a renewed resilience.  I would read and reread the words and somehow be filled with strength, not anger.  One night, I did sit and cry and cry, just like that day in Sedona but when I was done crying, I was ready to march forward.

Freedom to Choose

Finding my voice through writing stories has helped me to judge my movements, the paths I'd choose.  On that night that I cried so hard over what I was writing, it was so angry, so resentful.  When the crying stopped and I could focus again on the words, I asked myself if that was the way I wanted to be seen. After all, words, in print, have a way of being seen by others.  What would these words say about me.  I slept on that thought for a night and then the next morning, I changed the words.  I changed the perspective of that story.  Everything was still factually there on the page but the way I interpreted it was different.  It was that simple.  I had the freedom to look at the situation through a different lens and I changed my anger and resentment to not just acceptance but to gratitude!

We all have the ability to do this.  It's not magic.  It's choice.

When I was little and under my mother's wing, I did not have this ability to choose but to live my adult life feeling as though she is still in charge would rob me of my life. Holding on to her typewriter seems to have been intentional. "Write about it."

Everything is a Lesson - Learn From It and Move On

Since I have taken charge of my words, I have been able to write about life experiences as encounters that were presented to me as a lesson.  Writing has allowed me to study the experience and ask myself "What about this moment was I supposed to learn.  I think differently now about most things.  It hasn't taken away all fear, I have to admit, but I analyze the fear now instead of letting it consume me.  Fear is no longer a wall that I believe I can't climb. Fear is now something that temporarily stops my forward movement long enough to analyze the risks. And now my two year old grand-daughter reaffirms the process:  "Tell a story about that."

Words on paper have given me back my voice, my ability to reflect with a new perspective, my ability to analyze, and my ability to conquer fear.

And my mother's typewriter and her childhood shoes will always have a place in my home, reminding me to "write about it".

Let Freedom Ring

I'm going to write this and then I am going to take a long, long walk in the woods to clear my brain.  I am a nearly 65 year old white grandma who is about to write a very long rant.  It is going to include offensive thoughts and language.  At least I find them offensive, so if you are easily offended, I'd suggest you stop reading this right now. I am the kind of person who wants to fill my space with happiness and love.  Yet right now, I feel surrounded by the opposite; being bombarded with news that can only be described as hate.  I need to speak my piece on this and then maybe I can find the beauty again in the world.  In a few days, in this country, we will celebrate Independence Day, the day that the Declaration of Independence was signed.  It starts with these famous words:

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

Today, there is a church burning down in South Carolina.  Arson?  Maybe.  Why? Well, it's a predominantly black church.  Why would someone want to burn down a black church?  I think, hatred.  Where did the "Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness" go?  Or did it ever really exist?

In our country, right now, there are so many examples of hatred that I think we have no right to celebrate Independence Day.

Let's start with the upcoming race for President.  There are 14 men, at the moment, vying for the Republican ticket.  If you listen to each of them, they are tripping over each other with how they will make this country a better place and waste no time spitting out their hatred for the current sitting President Barack Obama.  It's hard to actually fathom what he has done that could be so horrific, so much worse than any other president, but the haters out there believe he is destroying our country.  "Our country", they say.   Barack Obama is black.  It was such a source of pride, for me and so many others, when he became president.  I though this country of our's had finally turned a corner.  Over his years as president, though, there has been nothing but Republican push back almost smirking every time they were able to through up a wall.  There has been an overwhelming scream for "less government" and yet the things that seem to interest the Republican representatives  the most are laws to restrict freedoms.  Humiliation and degradation of women, poor, black, hispanic have been top of their agenda.  "Our country" appears to be the country of the rich...white...males, unless of course you're gay!  Then, you need to fix that too because you don't need to be gay, you are choosing that. You know, somewhere in the bible, it says that being gay is wrong. "All men are created equal" must have meant all heterosexual white, rich men.

Many of the  church burnings going on around our country right now appear to be arson.  Why?  A few weeks ago, nine people were shot in their church during a bible study. They were shot by a young white male who told them that he had to shoot them before they were taking over the country.  They were black.  Hatred lives loud right now.  The horror, of that shooting incident, caused immediate discussions about the potential that this hatred could be coming directly from a strong hold on the Confederate flag. And yet, the country is divided about that.  To me, the Confederate flag stands for Southern pride in what was a fight for the right to own black slaves. For others, it is simply a source of Southern pride, period.  The twenty year old shooter of nine black people learned his hatred from somewhere.  He felt he needed to preserve white supremacy. He wore that flag along with others on his jacket that day.

Police brutality has been on the news for months, now, as well.  There is a sense that there is  a correlation between the brutality and the fact that the people are almost always black.  While we need to trust law enforcement to be there to protect us, are they really protecting all of us or do they believe some deserve better protection than others?  Over and over again, these officers have been dissolved of any wrong doing, saying they were following procedures.  I drove by a car accident where there was a black man and two white police officers. The black man was screaming at one police officer.  Disrespectful, yes.  Would the procedure, then, be to take this man down to the ground in a chock-hold and handcuff him?  This is what happened to Eric Garner in New York.  Mr. Garner was apparently selling illegal cigarettes.  He was arguing with the police officer.  Mr. Garner died from the chock-hold.  The investigation stated that the police officer was innocent of any wrong doing. He was following procedure. Is it procedure to take down someone who yells at you?  Are we all to be quiet and submissive when confronted by law enforcement?

Recent news also reported the Supreme Court ruled that same sex marriage was legal - a groundbreaking event to be sure.  It stated that marriage is a constitutional right and "no state shall deprive any person life, liberty, and property without due process of law...these liberties extend to certain personal choices central to personal dignity and autonomy",  and yet there are state officials who refuse to follow the ruling, immediately lashing out that either states have the right to define the word "marriage" or that you can refuse to issue a marriage certificate based on religious beliefs.  While support filled my Facebook feed for the Supreme Court's ruling,  hatred for the ruling lives right  on the other side.  Disrespectful?  Yes. What will the procedure be for those who defy the Supreme Court?

The latest Republican presidential candidate no more than announced his candidacy then went on a rant with derogatory statements about Hispanics.  You don't even need to ask where he would stand of immigration!  His comments were so offensive that he was taken off the television network that he had ties to.  "You're Fired!" His words coming back to haunt him.  Will he care?  No.  He is so rich he could buy the station.

Hatred.  Where does it come from?  When I was growing up, my mother's belief was that, as Catholics, we could only marry others who were Catholic.  She had been taught that it was the only true religion.  All other religions were established by people who had fallen from the truth.  As I grew older, I could see that this was simply her belief and I had the freedom to believe differently.  When my brother lived in Louisiana, he picked up the habit of calling all black people "Nigger" or "monkey".  When I called him on it, he said "What?  That's what they're called".  Since when? By whom?  This, he hadn't learned from his parents.  And yet, it became a learned skill based on his surroundings.  He felt superior to all black people even though he ended up dying a vagrant. A belief does not make it true.  Yet people hold on to their beliefs for some reason.  Why?

Why, in this day and age, are we living in a country that is so filled with hatred?  I say it's fear!  Why do you think gun ownership statistics show that 1 in 3 Americans own at least one gun and the majority of them are owned by white males?  Many state that they own a gun for protection.  Our country is changing.  White caucasians soon will no longer be the majority.  Our countries "freedoms" were based on white supremacy it seems.  "All men are created equal".  Again, this must have meant all white, heterosexual, rich men.  That belief is being challenged by women, homosexuals, increasing populations of other racial groups and those speaking up for the poor.

Now, that I've put this all down on paper, I wonder - What will become of us?

My concern is that this hatred will grow stronger and stronger, fueling a "belief" that this country, our country, really belongs to White Supremest groups. Are we, innocently, blindly, following their fear based logic?  Extremist movements always show themselves, at some point, to be too extreme.  Are we there yet?  Do you see it?  We have an obligation to our country to preserve Freedom for All.  Truthfully, standing by our commitment is the only thing that we can do.  We have to stand up to hatred.  We have look fear in the face.  Call it what it is!  We have to do this or we lose.  We all lose our country.  This is my belief right now.


What would happen if on this Independence Day we celebrated the true meaning of "Independence".  For once and for all, we could take a stand to live by the Declaration that "All men are created equal" and we all have right to "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."  You know we can only do this by becoming educated on the "beliefs" of those who want to lead us.  We must be able to sift through their words to determine what is real versus fear versus hatred.  And I think, most of all, Our Country need to really stand for freedom for all.  To do that we must work to preserve real freedom even if we personally don't hold the same "belief" as someone else. That does not mean that I have the freedom to dictate other people's freedom.  It means we have the freedom to live our life free of discrimination, segregation, oppression, and most of all hate.

Let Freedom Ring!

New Beginnings

12-30-2013

They say that the daffodil represents new beginnings.  Although a spring flower, it represents my today.    I spent the day with my new grandson.  He is now 40 days old.  I feel so fortunate to be included in his life.  I want to be there.  I want him to know me.  Yet, I think about the me that I want him to know and I realize that I have an awesome opportunity to begin again for this little man.  I want to teach him so many things but know that he will ultimately teach me more!  

Today, I watched as he smiled, over and over again, in his sleep, and I loved the thought that maybe he was dreaming of beautiful things.  He didn't know that I was watching him with such awe.  When he was awake, he looked at me and seemed to be watching me too, and perhaps pondering thoughts like: "Who are you?" "Are you a nice person?"  "Will you take care of me?"  

Then suddenly, he winced as if he was in pain and started to cry; one of those not really a cry kind of cries.  I think he wanted to test the waters.  So, this was a test.  Would I pass?  Well, today, we walked and he quietly settled into the rhythm while I logged the exercise.  It was a win-win for both of us.  He seemed to like the back and forth journey we took from the living room to the kitchen and back again.  It doesn't take much to entertain him right now.  I hope I can keep up the pace though and continue to show him that: Yes, I am a nice person and Yes, I will take very good care of him.

We spent the next couple of hours with him waking and sleeping and me watching his tiny little features and thinking that I have so many things that I want to tell him.  Although, I won't be with him every day, I can write and share stories here.  I love the idea of collecting memories and keeping them in this safe place.  Who knows, maybe he'll teach me more than I teach him.  Whatever it is, I'll write about it here.

Today's lessons from my grandson:  

1.  Smile.  It's an easy thing to do and it leaves people wondering what you're thinking, and 

2.  Walking is good for both of us, so let's do more of that.

Inspiration For The Day

12-29-13

Today's message is:

Be Creative.  
It's time to express yourself through writing.  Don't get caught up in the web of negative thoughts or beliefs that might be a product of judgements and shame that you felt during your childhood.  Write.  Write without inhibition; with no intention that it be for others.  Write for yourself.  Write about anything, real or make believe.  Write whatever comes to your mind.  Write about the words that once hurt you.  Let writing be a way to let it all go.  Trust your creative spark.  Let your words inspire and enlighten.

Two years ago, I sat alone with my thoughts and my computer and I wrote.  I wrote of memories, mostly bad.  I reflected on my life as a journey that had gotten me to the spot that I was in.  At one point, I stopped, cried, and then shut the computer down - not wanting to feel the hurt anymore.  With sleep came a new perspective.  The sun came up on a new day and as I reread my words from the previous night, I made a decision.  I was going to let go of the hurt and the pain.  I was going to search for the blessings that had come from my life's encounters.  As I reread the words, I turned the negative into lessons.  What had I learned from that experience?  How had that event or that person made me who I am today?  I began to write again and this time with understanding and forgiveness.  I wrote and wrote and with each personal story, I found the person that I wanted to be.  I didn't want to be burdened by my past.  I didn't want my past to be an excuse.  Instead, I began to celebrate the strength that I had gained from my lessons and I decided then that I had a choice, a choice to live my life the way I wanted.

Now, as I look at the beginning of another new year, my resolution is to write something, every day.  I want to write something that inspires me to be the person that I want to be.  I find peace and comfort from the woods behind my apartment, so I will walk the paths as often as possible.  I love to capture the changing seasons and the littlest things that add texture to the paths.  I'll share my photos as a reflection on my view of life.

So, let the new year begin.  I am ready.

This Train

Our brother died on March 25, 2013.  In his final days, we spent time remembering things from his past.  We played this song hoping it would prompt happy memories of when he rode the train from New Orleans to home.  Instead, as he listened to the words, all he could do was cry.  After a while, he asked us to turn it off.  The song not only brought back memories of a time he could never have back but also of a life that he was leaving.

As I listen, now, to the words of this song, I think that each life is nothing more than a one way journey with the only sure destination of death at the end of the ride.  In life, we think we are different.  Some claim to be smarter, prettier, healthier, richer.  Some appear to struggle to live this life, making choices that surely put them on a fast track to our common destination.

"Grab your ticket and your suitcase.  

Thunder's rolling down this track.  

Well you don't know where you're goin' now, 

but you know you won't be back."   

My brother cried as he listened and we can only guess what prompted the tears.  He had been one of those whose choices surely put him on the fast track.  At this point, one would think that he would be resolved with his choice. Instead, he cries. It's been a hard journey.

"Well darlin', if your weary, 

lay your head upon my chest.  

We'll take what we can carry

 and disregard the rest." 

We have been quick to judge his past,  and now, click our tongues at his current state. But who are we to judge?  
We are all simple human beings on the same journey to that common destination and we are all doing
the best we can to ride this train.

"This train carries saints and sinners, 

this train carries losers and winners.  

This train carries whores and gamblers.  

This train carries lost souls."

In the end, some would say that he didn't have to suffer long.  Instead, I think he suffered his whole life.   He had wanted what everyone wants.  He wanted to be successful.  He wanted to be accepted.  He wanted to be happy.
He was no different than you or me.  He had hopes and dreams!

"Well, big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams.  

Meet me in the land of hopes and dreams."

He had finally found his way back home but now a broken man.  His independence was shattered. We knew that he needed 

more help then we could provide.  

We called on all the spirits of our family and they responded...

"Well I will provide for you.  I'll stand by your side.  

You'll need a good companion now,  for this part of the ride. 

 Leave behind your sorrows.  This day, at last.  

Tomorrow there'll be sunshine.  All this darkness past."

This imperfect man, riding our train, blessed our life with his stubborn attitude, fierce sense of right and wrong, 

 and insistence to make the journey his own.  

We did not always appreciate his spirit but oh do we miss it now!  

For now, my brother...

"Big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams. 

We'll meet you in the land of hope and dreams." 

Color Exploding Around Me!

It's fall in Wisconsin and it seems like, overnight, the world exploded into brilliant color!  It's a celebration!

I sit in a chair, as I type this, looking out a patio door onto golden trees with hints of lingering green and splashes of red underbrush.  I watch the birds and squirrels frantically eating, digging, working to build up reserves.

It's cooler now, making it easier to be outside but also drawing me out because of the certainty of much colder days to soon follow.  Get out there now, while there's still time!

Color and light has exploded all over me!  It's a wonderful time of year.

Pure and Lasting...Joy!

Today was the last day of the Next Steps Academy and I couldn't just go home!  Instead I found myself at this great place in downtown Milwaukee called "Splash" where I could just sit and reflect and paint...this hummingbird!

It had to be a hummingbird, you see because the hummingbird is the symbol for JOY!  There is no other word to describe this week.  There is no other way to show just how inspiring the last five days have been, not just to me but to every single adult who had the honor of working with this awesome group of fifteen students who all have autism.

Today was the "performance" and with that knowledge came a very real sense of fright.  Like that little hummingbird, there was lots of movement in and out of the room, sometimes lighting for a moment but then up again and flitting from one spot to another.  We made it through a very short "dress rehearsal" and tested everyone's ability to be flexible.  Some did better at that than others.  One boy had been singing our daily song loud and clear and at the last minute we asked him if he would like to lead the whole group in that song.  He didn't hesitate and just said "Sure".  And he didn't let us down.  He stood tall and proud and sang out loud and clear, leading us through the practice.

Then showtime arrives.  The room is packed.  The kids are doing the best they can to stay in one location.  One boy sat in a chair reading a book, ignoring the growing crowd, and periodically putting his arm on my leg which was his way of asking me to rub it.  One boy stayed in the hallway until it was time to perform, another started playing a game with the teacher...anything to pass the time.  At exactly 11:30, one anxious student loudly announced, "Alright, it's time for Ms. Jenn to start the show!"

Early on, during the initial interviews, one boy had said that all he hoped for was "two minutes of fame!"  Well, today everyone of the fifteen students got at least two minutes of fame!  The cameras rolled and people smiled until their faces hurt.  And in thirty minutes, we were done!  The kids took a bow, the audience applauded (silently) and all of a sudden it was over.  Although everyone was encouraged to stay and visit after the performance, the kids were anxious to leave, already on to the next thing which was "What's for lunch?"

What they didn't realize is that they left us all today...they left us now with a void!  We were watching these incredible hummingbirds, flitting in and out of a skit or a song or a game, and they not only shared their fears, anxieties and factual (sometimes blunt) view of how things should work but they willingly shared their intelligence, their talents, their unique and profound gifts.  They filled our days with a kaleidoscope of color that brought tears to our eyes.  They filled the time so intensely that we left every day exhausted but unable to stop thinking about them and wishing we could have had just one more week!

I asked one boy if he thought he would come back again in the spring.  He said "Well, yes, I think I will.  Will all the other kids in NS1 come back too?"  "I hope so," was all I could say.  And then a mom reaches out to touch my arm.  She is being hurried to the exit by her son.  As she leaves, she says "We will have love in our hearts for First Stage forever!  Thank you for this week!"

I think from everyone of the adults who worked with this group of kids in Next Steps Academy this week, we too will have love in our hearts... for these kids, forever!

Ok, one last funny story shared:  One of the boys is laying on the floor and won't get up.  The teacher says "Come on, it's time to get up!"  His response "I can't get up.  I have autism!"  And she of course replied "So does everyone else in here and they are all standing right now!"

Thank you to everyone who read through my version of this incredible journey.  I have been truly blessed to have had the opportunity to participate this week.  Writing about it at the end of each day just helped me collect my thoughts and relive the JOY!

It's Already Thursday!

This week went by fast,  but with each day there was growth. I wish I would have had the opportunity to watch the older group as much as the younger group.  I can only say that something happened today with the younger ones that made it feel like we had mastered an ultimate goal.

• Monday, everyone was quiet and apprehensive.  
• Tuesday, silliness reigned.  
• Wednesday, excessive energy sent some of the students over the edge.  
• But on Thursday, we reached calm!

We figured out that we didn't need to rev their engines up; we needed to slow them down!

 "Look at me.  Do this (touch your head), do this (touch your shoulders), do this (put your arms up in the air)" - a game that brought focus back to the group - was used over and over again throughout the first part of the morning with group one.  

Then we started the second part of the morning relaxing flat on the floor and rubbing our arms, shaking our fingers, squeezing our shoulders.  The engines calmed down and fun filled the space for everyone again.  Yesterday, by the end of the morning, three of the kids needed to retreat to the quiet room.  Today, everyone stayed and everyone played!

One activity was to come up with a problem that one hero tries to solve but can't and then a superhero comes in to save the day.  These were not long running skits, mind you, but the kids were able to quickly come up with an idea, compromise on the final product, and perform the skit to the rest of the group.  Now, I think there was some influence from certain video game characters but I'm too old to actually be current on all of that so, to me at least, it was amazingly imaginative.

Then we tried making up an info-mercial.  This one was a little harder because not everyone was sure what that was.  In fact, one of the students said "I don't know what that means but I do know what introvert and extrovert means. Can I ask everyone which one they are?"  We told him that he could do that during the break.  Then the question was posed again.  What is an info-mercial?  One young man matter-of factly just said "It's a commercial about a product that you don't really need!"  And that set the stage.

Tomorrow, the kids will put on a skit for the parents.  Yesterday, while trying to put it together, one student left the room because he couldn't deal with the choice of song being played on the piano.  Another had a melt down right in the room because he was worried about how to make a choice of whether he should or shouldn't be the bad guy!  Today, the same song was played on the piano and, this time, noise blocking headphones made it possible for student one to stay.  And the question of to be or not to be the bad guy never came up so student number two just calmly joined the skit as one of the passengers on the train.  Our skit is about a train for very good reason.  One student is continuously sharing departure times of trains to Chicago.  He will be the conductor in the skit tomorrow

The best quote of today though comes from him actually.  Everyone was laughing hard while playing a version of Duck, Duck, Goose, and he said "I laughed so hard I nearly leaked some oil!"

Oh my goodness, I am going to hate to see this week come to an end.

PS - There are 5 extroverts, 4 introverts, and 3 who think they are both!

Creative Genius Tied Up In Knots!

Day three of Next Steps Academy finds me firmly placed with group one.  They are younger.  They have an energy that quickly gets out of control. And they have an independent creativity that is surprising.  Their favorite game is "What's Your Business?"  We go around the circle, the first person names the business, the next person responds with what we sell there, and the third person  quickly throws out a slogan for this business.  It's fast.  It's spontaneous.  It's unpredictable. And they love it!  The only one I can remember is a little gruesome so beware!  Business - A barbershop, What do you sell? - Decapitated heads stuffed with stuffed animals.  What's your slogan? - Haircuts priced so cheap, you'll lose your mind!  Not all of them involved losing body parts but each of the kids love being quick and the more creative the better. Nobody's idea is bad.  Nothing is ever wrong.  Well, I take that back.  We had to put a stop to one boy's use of a pretend firearm for every skit.

Today, they formed small groups and developed short skits with a beginning, middle, and end.  Today, we saw more creativity and more anxiety.  More willingness to share talents and more openness about sharing fears.  They worked hard at controlling themselves well enough to be an audience while each group performed and the adults are learning techniques that work to bring the energy down if necessary - back rubs, deep pressure, hugs, especially hugs!

While group one was working on following directions and self control, group two was focused on a short script for the Friday performance that the teachers say is going to be awesome.  They are clearly enjoying each other and are quickly forming friendships.

And, what about our lone boy?  Well, after getting to know him a bit better and some serious brainstorming between First Stage teachers, he had a fantastic day today!  He handled two stories that were clearly "not real" and he spent a solid fifteen minutes in with the group, sharing and listening with everyone else.  The best part, though, is the commitment of other adults here to make this week work for everyone.  Members of the costume department took him under their wing.  They found out yesterday that he has an interest in designing things.  They saw that he had an interest in costumes so they drew up a pattern for him to sew.  They also showed him how puppets are made and offered to help him make one.  His teacher said "You should have seen his face light up!"

So what have the adults learned so far?  You really do need a Plan B... and C... and D.  When a child with autism gets "out of control", he really can't control it.  All of us are completely focused on saying calm and just working with it!

One student couldn't handle the last activity of the day.  He did but he didn't want to have a role in a short skit.  He wanted but he didn't want us to decide for him.  It became a vicious cycle that he couldn't stop, nor could we.  Everyone else in the room kept a focus on the skit.  We finally found the perfect blend of a quiet space, deep pressure, and his book.  When his mom got there, he was calm again.  The last thing he said before he left?  "Let's just wipe this out of our memories, ok?  We'll just pretend it never happened and we don't need to talk about it again, ok?'  I asked him if I could give him a hug before he left.  He said "You can give me a little one.  Big ones are saved for my mom!"

And what did one of the teachers say at the end of today?  "My face hurts from smiling so much!"

Do All The Other Kids Here Have Autism?

It was day two of the Next Steps Academy and the energy level was high!  When we laughed, we laughed a little louder...and maybe a little too long.  When we were told to spin, we spun but sometimes couldn't stop.  Still, almost everyone tried everything at least once.

Remember the boy from yesterday who got up and left the "Beginning of Day"?  Today, he stayed there for the entire time, just positioned at the back of the room.  He had brought two new books.  One was about science projects that could be done in a hurry but he was adamant that you should never do things in a hurry like that!  When everyone moved to their small group, he politely said "No thank you.  I'll just go read my books."

We pretended to make up conversations speaking gibberish to a partner. "Have a happy conversation.  Now, pretend you're angry.  And now be excited.  Don't use your hands and feet, just use your voice." The teacher asked the boy in the quiet room if he'd like to join in that activity.  "Don't you think it sounds like fun?"  "No, that's not a real language! Why would anyone talk like that.  It's not real!"

We made sounds that we might hear in a swamp.  One boy spontaneously gave another a compliment, "Wow, that was a really good frog noise.  I can't do that!"  Some were better at making the sound of the wind.  Some made no sounds but pretended to be an alligator.

By mid morning, everyone was ready for a break.  The group in Room One got their snacks and a book and went off to different parts of the room to be alone.  The group in Room Two stood in small clusters having conversations with each other.  The difference between the two rooms was interesting and possibly due to the difference in their ages.

By the second part of the morning, the teacher with the one young man asked him if he wanted to make friends this week.  He said "Well yes, I do."  To that, the teacher replied, "Well, you can't make friends if we sit alone in this room every morning."   He thought about that for a bit and then said "Do all the other kids here have autism?"  And she said "Yes they do and they are in the other rooms making friends."  And so, for a part of the morning, the boy joined the group, sat with them in a circle, and answered the question of the day.  "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  His answer, "I want to be a scientist."  And then he continued with more and more information.  At one point, the boy next to him asked a question and he said "Excuse me, let me finish please!" So, we'll have to work on making friends but at least he entered the room...for a while.

It would be great to be able to say that all of Day Two went smoothly but that would not be completely true.  As the second session wore on for the younger group, one boy was making announcements letting us know which train was leaving the terminal at that time and what the chances were that they were running on time.  Another boy began asking "How many more minutes?" and he fell apart before the time elapsed.  One had his hands over his ears because it had gotten a little loud and the youngest one tried playing deaf when he didn't like the directions and when no one paid attention to him, he left the group altogether.  He had grown tired of not being able to make up his own plays.

Still, by 11:45, they all regrouped for End of Day.   Our lone boy, once again willingly shared in front of the whole group and many more offered to share acknowledgments.

Day two was about reaching a new level of comfort at the academy!  Day Two stretched all of us...to try something new,  to get quiet when we wanted to make noise, to handle a little more frustration, to last a little longer, and to try out some of that advice from yesterday...there's always Plan B!

Day One - "I Just Want You To Know, You Are All Loved!"

Day one for Next Steps Academy began with nervous anticipation felt primarily by the parents and teachers.  The students seemed calm, prepared with their backpack which held a snack and self selected comfort items.  Without hesitation, each one followed an adult back to the meeting rooms.  Some parents followed and some just watched in stunned resignation.  "I guess he'll be fine.  I'll just go then.  See you at noon."

"Beginning of Day" large group started off with exercise warm ups and announcements.  Three minutes into it, though, one student picked up his backpack, a yoga mat, and his water bottle and said "This is too much!"  He headed for the door followed closely by an adult.  Without incident, he made it to a quiet room where he spent the majority of the morning; looking at his book of lego kits, and complaining about not being able to ever finish what he wanted to say...but wait until you hear how his first day ends.

After large group, the kids were divided into two smaller groups.  One room was for students, ages 11-14 and in another room for students ages 14-18.

One of the older boys wanted to start by saying something. So he formally stood and said, "I just want you to know, you are all loved!"  And so the first morning began!

An hour of drama and an hour of music was the plan, but both first day activities were heavily movement oriented.  The lead teacher began and amazingly all the students followed - activity after activity.  And the laughter filled each room!  Spontaneous actions, blunt comments, unexpected movements all brought joy to the kids and the adults alike.

Do you know what pantomime means?  "Yes, I do.  It's pants that are mine!"

One student quietly writes a note on a whiteboard.  "Are we going to do any Shakespeare?"  A teacher reads it and calmly says, "I agree.  I would like that too."  And so it went.

We pretended to lift and pass heavy balls and tiny microscopic balls.  We formed lines and walked, first fast, then as slow as possible.  Then everyone focused on the teacher who stood quietly at the front of the room and started making gestures with her hand. Soon everyone understood what each gesture meant and followed along.  Before the activity ended, they had all taken turns being the teacher.  Then we started to learn a couple of songs, one complete with a hand clapping rhythm.  By the time the morning classes ended, two students were moving arm in arm, one student was wrapped up tight in the blanket that he had brought from home, one student had chewed through a whole pack of gum and kept asking "How many minutes more?"  But they all made it successfully to "End Of Day" where their parents were waiting.

Ms. Jenn said, "Would anyone like to share something that they learned this morning?"  One teacher said, "I would love it if someone would help me show how we did the Ball Activity."  With confidence and courage, one student (the gum chewer) said, "Oh, I will!"  And as he got up, so did many more!  And laughter again filled the room.  That was followed by someone volunteering to act out a pantomime with a partner.  The partner was amazingly willing. Everyone, parents and students,  got involved in guessing what they were doing.  "I was a butterfly and he was a butterfly catcher."

Remember the boy who left the room after three minutes of the Beginning of Day large group?  Well, he was jumping up and down in the back of the room for End of Day obviously excited about something.  After everyone had shared an activity, his teacher of the day said, "I think we have one more."  Straight up to the front he went followed by his teacher saying "You have to see if you can guess what I am doing.  It's ok if you can't guess though.  I will tell you."  And away they went - he pretending to be an alien and she pretending to be a spaceship.  When they finished, everyone applauded.  He handled the noise with grace.  In fact, he smiled and took a bow!  Then he hurried to his spot at the back of the room.

Day One ended already with tears and hugs.  We did it!  And the kids?  Well they just said "I'll see you tomorrow!"

"There's Always Plan B"

They came to us, one at a time, with a mom or dad, an uncle or aunt, or both.  They came to meet us, to tell us about themselves, or to let their parents do the talking.  Some knew why they were meeting us but not all were sure.  What we learned about them is the beginning of our story.

"He's quiet in the morning you know.  Sometimes you have to push down on his head or do wall push-ups.  He memorizes scripts and sometimes, to get him to stop scripting you just say 'Put a bookmark in it'.

"He loves Seinfeld trivia and smooth jazz but it make him angry when someone fake cries."

"I've been in plays.  I can handle a lot."  "We'd like him to stand up for himself more, to take the lead once in awhile."  "Oh, I don't know about that.  I'm not sure really."

"I want to be a Christian singer and a chemistry teacher.  I'm not so good in front of people though.

"He looks like he's not paying attention but really he can repeat back everything that you've said.  No, he's not shy."

"He can imitate voices.  Do Ernie!"

"Why do I want to do this Academy?  What's my goal?  Well, maybe I want to know the history of First Stage.  Is that why I'm here?"

"I brought along some videos for you to see him playing his classical piano.  He doesn't like to practice.  He would rather play video games but he loves it when the audience applauds.  He loves getting attention for playing piano."

"I like to play with legos."  "Tell them what you do with them."  "Well, I like to create sets and then make stop action videos."

"He was once in an elementary play.  He's done intensive autism therapy and music therapy.

"It says here that I will 'Conquer my fears'.  What does that mean really?  Will I have to eat spinach?  I don't like spinach.  What does 'Take a risk' mean?  Does that mean I will have to climb Mt. Everest?  Mom, I don't think I can do this!"

"People say I'm highly intelligent.  What do you think that means?"

"We want him to be more confident.  We want him to make more statements, to stand up for himself, to set realistic goals, to not be so shy, to have an opportunity for a creative outlet, to be flexible, to meet friends, to have something to be excited about, to regulate his voice, to make a friend."

And what happens when you get upset or anxious about something?  "We have him take deep breaths, or go for a walk."  "He likes to draw." "The End."  "That's what he says when he's done talking about something."  "So if you're done what do you do?"  "Well, there's always Plan B.  I just come up with Plan B."

Monday morning is the first day of Next Steps Academy.  It has been designed specifically for children with autism.  The teachers have met for hours with a trainer.  Social stories have been written along with simplified versions of our one-on-one interviews.  We feel like we know them all but each is so very different.  We want them to feel comfortable but this will be an uncomfortable experience for them.  We want them to learn something new but it might be us who learns the most.  And what will we do if this doesn't work?  Well, there's always Plan B!

Stand Tall

There's been no rain for so long. Plants are struggling to survive. I watered the tree line plants and it brought a deer out of the woods to eat something that wasn't dry. All I can do is pray for rain. Most summer months , we want an abundance of sunshine but now the day after day baking sun feels like punishment.

In my last entry, I shared how I always look for the bright side of everything. That's kind of like saying that I want the sun to always shine! In reality, everybody has rainy days and everybody needs the rain to breathe life back into tired smiles. During my journey to Sedona, I "rained" all over everyone but the "sunshine" that filled my soul when I left was stronger than it had ever been. So, I can appreciate the power of rain.

Have you ever heard someone say " The sun must be shining on you today"? And, how many times do we reach out for God's smile turning our faces up to the sun?

Maybe, just maybe God's smile comes in the form of rain too! Right now, the plants and animals are longing for that to be the case. Now, I will always be a fan of sunshine but it's the rain that has helped me stand tall!

Nothing Is Easy!

I took this picture at the small pond in my neighborhood nature preserve.  It looks stunning and perfect.  One would never know that it was floating alone.  Alone, that is,  in a pond filled with messy weeds, some fallen tree limbs, and a discarded plastic bottle or two.

In the eye of the camera or the eye of the photographer, we get to crop out everything but the stunningly perfect!  And then we can pretend that it's reality.

Well, it is!

Everything in life can be beautiful...if we zoom in on it.  That doesn't mean that there isn't debris outside the frame of the picture. Life comes with debris too.   It's up to us to choose what part of this world we are going to focus on.

I, myself,  am in love with the beauty!  I want to surround myself with others who see the beauty too.  What I have come to realize is that if we spend too much time with those who focus on the weeds and debris, we find ourselves thinking that may be all there is out there.  Then we never bother to take a picture. No one wants pictures of ugliness.

Well in my little world, I take my camera.  I look out at the big picture of weeds and downed branches and I choose to take a picture of the one blooming lily pad floating beautifully alone, not deterred by it's surroundings.  It decided to be stunning and perfect anyway!

It's not easy.  Nothing is.  But it is a choice we all have.  My choice is to go with the lily pad!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can!

Apparently, no one told the chipmunk that this was a "bird" feeder!  Apparently, it didn't understand that the feeder was meant to be out of reach!  All the chipmunk understood was that it was hungry and there was food, so it just went and got it!

Why aren't things in our lives that simple?  If I need something or want something, why don't I just go get it?  I think the reason is that along the way, I have had messages that played in my head saying "You can't, You can't, You can't"

"You can't" is often a message of kindness, unfortunately, designed to keep you from harm.  But "You can't" can also be an ugly chain link fence put up to keep you inside boundaries!  Through the links, you can see the world, you just can't quite get to it.

Over my lifetime, I have had my share of "You can't"'s surrounding me but my inner chipmunk said "Yes, but I'm hungry and I see that food right there so I think I can"!

My "I can" attitude pushed me through college, helped me get my first job, assisted me up the ladder at that job and kept me from succumbing to old specified gender roles.

Now, I have to admit that "I can" has sometimes left me stranded on the side of a mountain thinking "What was I thinking, I can't do this"?  But, even then...even then, after I collected my wits, I had to be proud of the fact that I had tried!  In fact, if I hadn't started saying "I can't", could I have gone further?

Over one's lifetime, there are different stages.  At the beginning of each new stage there are chain link fences. Again, these fences are often intended to be out of kindness, trying to protect us.    We try to protect little children  from obvious dangers as they navigate a new world.  We try to protect teenagers for the same reason.  But both of these age groups are like the chipmunk and defy imposed boundaries.  Chipmunks don't see fences.   "You can't" hasn't yet been engrained in their heads.  But then, as you get older, "You can't" is repeated over and over and becomes embedded in your brain and all of a sudden, fences appear.  You become afraid and hesitate to cross the imaginary boundary.  And the chain link fence is no longer about safety, it's about fear!

When you become comfortable again, the fences become invisible.  Then when you "get hungry" and push the boundaries...whoosh - the fence materializes!  Fear sets in.

It's here where you have had to channel your inner chipmunk!  

Now is when you have to say 

"I'm hungry.  I see the food right there."  

And "I CAN" reach it!

Follow the Chosen Path...Or Not!

I consider myself a rule follower, always the "good girl".  I obey traffic rules.  I didn't experiment with drugs during college.  I sit in my assigned seat at a ballgame!

And yet, when it came to assigned gender roles, there was always something in me that fought against the simple act of following.  Most times, the "path" was clear but almost always I said "Well what would happen if I went this way instead"?

When I was young, this very behavior was seen as being obstinate.  It caused a rift between my mother and myself that was never resolved.  But there I was, this timid, awkward creature, trusting my instincts and veering off the chosen path just to see what else might be out there.

In the beginning, each time I ventured out, I kept the chosen path in my line of vision at all times.  I will never forget how I used this strategy when I first entered the workforce after college.  My plan was to work as a teacher for three years to get my life time teaching license and then quit and be a full time stay at home mom.  My plan - veer off the chosen path then come back - did not work, though, because what I ultimately found on the other path was something that I liked just as much, if not even better. I also realized that the adventure and discovery that occurred when I took different paths was exhilarating!

I believe, now, that this is the reason I can embrace change with relative ease.  Over the past years, I have heard others complain about how difficult it is to deal with all the change that's occurring around them.  In fact, it seems to be causing them severe anxiety.  To me, change is just following a different path.  Change is also being willing to constantly evaluate your current path to determine if it's taking you where you want to go.

My life has been about trusting my instincts and following unexpected paths. To my daughters, I have said, "Life provides different doors for you.  You choose to go through a new door or not."  On the other side is...well you have to go through it, yourself,  to see!

Dreams Unwritten!

The typewriter that my mom used in her high school typing class...the shoes she wore as a child...I carry these mementos from place to place with me as a reminder.  Now, however, I wonder - what am I trying to remember?  What is it that I don't want to forget?

The answer has been crystalizing over the past months as I have embarked on a new life journey.  This mother of mine who described me as a fussy baby,  who taught me how to be afraid, why do I carry her around with me in the form of a typewriter and little girl's school shoes?

Well, my mother was a writer.  Oh, she didn't write for anyone but herself but she loved to write.  She loved this, along with many other things, but never had the opportunity to do.  The reason was not because of personal limitations or lack of motivation or desire.  The reason she never had the opportunity to live out her dreams was because of the expectations and demands of others...and maybe that ugly word, FEAR!  My mother was born in 1921.  Women had just been given the "right" to vote!  Still, women had roles that they were expected to carry out.  During my mother's lifetime, she described how she almost wasn't allowed to attend high school until a Catholic school opened up. College was out of the question.   All this education was unnecessary for a girl.  Her dad dictated who she could and could not date.  They, too, had to be Catholic.  The Catholic church dictated that there be no form of birth control used other than what they called the "rhythm method".  In the end, my mother had eleven pregnancies with six of us surviving.

By the time I came along, my mother was an angry woman.  She was tired of laboring on a farm and caring for children especially me.  Remember I was that fussy baby!  Her bedroom "office" was her sanctuary.  Any spare time she could find was spent banging away on this typewriter.  She wrote beautifully descriptive pieces about mornings on the farm, the sounds of the birds, the gentle breezes blowing.  She wrote about Christmas' and the excitement of children with their presents.  She wrote poems and snapped pictures of other people and their new acquisitions.  But she never wrote about her disappointments in life.  She never wrote about her anger; how she would grab whatever stick was handy and start hitting and hitting and hitting...one of us!

If the written stories were all that was ever passed forward, one would believe that she had been a happy person with a gift of seeing the beauty in life.  She was anything but happy!   She instead lived a life dictated by others.  She wrote about moments that perhaps gave her momentary joy and took out her rage on those  of us who were handy.

Have you ever heard the saying "they broke the mold when they made you"!  Well, I think that fussy baby was born to break the mold!  I never could accept the idea that I had a dictated role to play.  I never thought it was fair that girls were supposed to have specific girl roles!  I broke the family cycle that said college was "unnecessary"!  I worked full time and raised children but I left the Catholic birth control method at the door of the church!  I did the best I could to raise my girls to believe in helping others but also to believe that their own personal dreams are possible as well.

I think now that I carry my mother's typewriter around with me to remember the heavy burden she endured.  It's symbolic of all her unwritten dreams.  She was a person who spent her life being told how to live, afraid to do what she really wanted to do. The typewriter holds the memories of all the anger and resentment that truly lived behind her beautifully typed descriptions of our life events.

Mom's typewriter is a symbol that says:  

• Don't let others hold you back.  
• Demand the freedom to pursue your dreams with conviction and determination.  
• You control how your life is written!

Sometimes others try to dictate my path and sometimes fear tries to take over but, in the end, strength prevails!  I have more dreams yet unwritten!  

Fussy baby has more to add to her life story!

Breathe - Part Two

So, the first week of May, my daughters and I completed a journey to Sedona, Arizona called Freedom from Body Memory. We were told to expect life changes upon our return. I had such conviction that first day back that I knew what my next steps needed to be. I immediately drove to an apartment complex in Franklin Wisconsin and signed a lease.

Today is May 18th. It should have been a day to celebrate my 16th wedding anniversary. I am celebrating it at my new apartment,alone! Well, actually not exactly alone. I am surrounded bythesounds of birds and a great big old raccoon sauntered out of the nature preserve to say hi as well!

When Jim and I married, we had each already experienced divorce before. We made a promise to each other that if the time ever came that one of us wanted out, we would not make it a painful experience for the other. In our own way, we are honoring that request. I came back from Sedona and shared with him my revelations. At the end I thanked him for the lessons I had learned during our years together.

Tonight, I sit in peace, having conquered one of my fears. I faced the fear of the unknown. I pulled that blanket down away from my eyes and here I am again, looking out at beauty!

 

 

My Power Animal!

One of the lessons learned from my Sedona journey is to open up our awareness to all things that present themselves to us. Entertain the possibility that all things happen for a reason. On the first day of the journey, I sat enjoying coffee and listening to the sounds outside our rented home. In minutes, I heard the buzzing sound of a hummingbird. I have always been intrigued by these littlest of birds and this morning, seeing this particular bird gave me great joy. And I found myself asking it, "What are you trying to tell me this morning, little bird"? Then, we spent the day with a powerful woman by the name of "Healing Wolf" and she reiterated the sense that I had long believed. Animals do carry messages to us! I was told about a book that could actually help guide these thoughts and the one purchased was "Power Animals - How to Connect With Your Animal Spirit Guide". What I read was that Power Animals are "spirit guides" that serve to guide you through challenging times. They are meant to protect, guide, and provide us with encouragement and inspiration.

I read through the first part quickly and understand that my Power Animal might be one that I am especially drawn to...and the first one that jumped into my thoughts was the hummingbird! I turned immediately to these pages and find the following:

Hummingbird's Message to Me - "I love life! It's such a treat to be able to fly backward, forward, up, and down. Lots of flexibility as to which direction I go. I'm especially sensitive and careful about who I let close to me, so if something seems at all scary or intimidating, I'm outta there!". Does this sound like me?

but then the message continue "Say yes to life! Taste the sweet nectar that is always nearby, even if you have to fly around for awhile until you find it. Know the only true prison you have is the belief in your limitations. Let them go, and experience the abundance of love and opportunity that's all around".

Still the message continues to speak to me. I will take more time to study this book and the power of animal spirits. It's intriguing, isn't it? Think about the possibility that animals, flowers, trees all exist for a higher purpose - to guide us along this journey called life. All we have to do is open ourselves up to it and just Listen!

Oh, and just so you know, each day as I sat on my rock waiting and thinking about the lessons I was to take from the climb, I was visited by the hummingbird!

Redefining Me - Conclusion ( for now)

 

The mountain became a metaphor for my life and the lives of each member of the group. My journey stopped me short of the top both times leaving me out of the loop on the aha moments of the others.

My daughters shared stories of how they pushed through fear. Erin's was found on a narrow ledge.

Katie surprised herself with her strength.

Both of them complimented me on mine! I had not felt strong or able! I had spent hours, instead feeling trapped by my own fears! As everyone prepared to leave, Bob tentatively offered his card. I looked him in the eyes for the first time and then hugged him, saying "I'm so sorry I yelled at you. And I don't generally use inappropriate language. But thank you for pushing me to my limit"! He very quietly just said, "That's my job"!

I had not been a full member of this group, twice not being able to join the learning circles, yet as each said good-bye, they added such wonderful words of support - "you were an inspiration!", "I will always admire your strength to keep going even though you had no idea what this journey was about", " every time you spoke, I was taken by your insight". I will channel these words every time I find myself feeling like a failure!

What I did come away with, though, was that I had climbed MY mountain! I had reached a place that now gives me a strong conviction to love my life, to push forward with power, to know that I have more strength then I think I have, and to face fear head on!

Deeper then before, I also have a new respect for the strength of my daughters! I will never allow myself to be a burden to them, nor will I ever stand in the way of their life journey. On the last night, we raised a glass in a toast that we will "hold space" for each other's issues but know that it is up to each one of us to solve them ourselves. And no matter what, we will love each other, unconditionally!

Life is short! We each have to find the ways to live it 100%. Ending with no regrets! I am on the right path again! The journey to Sedona became a journey within! I found a group of people who each climbed their own mountains. We all left stronger!