How Do I Define Myself? Part One

Today was a journey that pushed me, angered me, humiliated me, and then guided me back to the ground.

I worried about this day, not of the potential revelations but of the physical challenges. I braced myself with good shoes and a pair of walking sticks. Looking at the mountain we were to climb made me tear up! I can't do that! I was reassured. It's a slow steady climb. Looks can be deceptive! So I started.

Already on flat ground, I am out of breath. I can't keep pace. Bob hangs back with me. Tells me to just go one step at a time. No problem. Sip of water, catch my breath, keep going. Then the climb begins! It's not just walking uphill, it's climbing up rocks! I do the first couple and then I feel the fear! I can't do this! Yes you can. Feel your feet, trust your feet. You don't need the walking sticks. They get in your way. Trust the strength in your legs. I don't! My legs are the weakest part of me. I start to cry and I'm told that I'm releasing! Releasing what? Maybe frustration...maybe anger...but about what and at whom! Me? Bob?

So then Bob says " I heard you say that you like traveling with your girls because they push you to do things you wouldn't normally do"!  No offense, but do you really want to be a burden on them? They have their own journey. Yet they are here worried about you! Do you want to keep them from their own journey? Of course the answer is "no"! "How old are you anyway"? When I answer with "61". His response is "my grandmother is 84 and still runs circles around us". So I push up several more rocks, angry and frustrated. I don't want to be a burden. I am not old. I can take care of myself. But then the rocks getting higher and the fear deepens. Now it's replaced with "How am I going to get back down"?

Bob says "is this where you want to stop? I spent four hours with another person once and I swore I was never going to do that again! Is this where you want to stop!". "yes, go, go! I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to slow you down'!  "Ok, you have water. You have food. Stay in the shade!"

So there I am on the side of this mountain, higher then I thought I'd ever go, sitting and waiting for the others to finish their climb and come back down. I sat there for three hours!

I sat and first thought about how stupid I was for trying this anyway. Then running over the words that Bob said, I spent the rest of the time thinking about how much I don't want to be a burden on my kids, how I want them to experience their lives the way they want.

My next thought was I am sitting here alone. So much of my life has been dealing with things alone. Everyone else is at the top of the rock. I find out later that they are "unwinding" - what ever that is - but with the support of each other. I am sitting on a rock alone!

All of a sudden, I think about how hard it is to be alone. How frightening. Perhaps the choices I am making to leave Jim are all wrong. Maybe what I should do is show the courage to stay in this marriage. Perhaps my job is to help him get the help he needs. He told me as well how desperately lonely he was in Florida. He also told me that Erin and Katie were not going to want me around all the time. Now here was Bob saying the same thing! So ok, if I ever get off this rock, I will just go back to Jim. He wants me and it's comforting to think about just letting all the stress, anxiety, and fear of leaving behind.

So there it was, my reason to be alone on this rock was to figure out that I needed to go home!

Three hours later, I hear a voice. Jonathan is coming back down followed by three others. "How you doing Jane?". I just start to cry. "What's the matter?" all I can say is "I'm afraid to climb down". "Here, take my hand, I'll help you"! I make it off the rocks and I walk the rest of the way with thoughts that are so conflicted. I don't want to burden my daughters. I want to show them a strong woman.

Bob calls out "Hi Jane! How you doing? My answer was, " You know what Bob, the lesson I learned from today is that I am alone and I need to figure things out for myself! He says the typical stuff like "How's that worked for you in the past? My answer is "It doesn't seem to matter. It's been this way my whole life! I'll figure it out!". Then he says, Here take my hand! I reply with "You wouldn't give me your hand when I couldn't get up the rocks, why would I need your hand now on flat ground"?

He walks on!

Later that night, my girls share their insights about the day.  I say, "I don't think I'm going back tomorrow"!  I was still angry and frustrated as I recounted the way things happened from my perspective. They had worried about me being left behind but had been told that I was fine and in the right place for "my journey".  The next day we were told that we would be dancing and swimming!  Great!  Two more things that I don't feel that good at!  Let's just add to the humiliation, shall we!

Then, Erin says, "You are not a burden to us.  You have always pushed us to do things and you have never held us back.  Bob just heard a couple of things and thinks he knows you and us!  He's just wrong... Mom, what if Bob was intending to make you angry?  What if he did that on purpose"?

I showed them the picture that I had taken from "my rock".  Erin said, "Look at this, it's beautiful! If you really look at it, it could have deep meaning.  The cactus is like all the prickly parts of your life, the two yellow flowers could be us, the tree stands protective, and the horizon just shows how much beauty there is out in the world if you just look out at it."  I smiled and gave her a hug.  Wise beyond her years!

Then a red cardinal landed on a tree branch.  Katie asked who I thought that cardinal could represent.  We decided that it could represent my brother Dave.  Then Katie said, "What would Dave think about your decision to return home to Jim"?  I said that he would just weigh the facts.  So we started laying out the facts of my marriage to Jim and in the end the fact was that my decision to just stay with Jim was not about being strong but instead it was about staying just because it was easier.  If this weeks journey was to prove to us that we are strong and capable women, then I needed to not give in so easily.

If this week is to be about being strong and capable, then I need to not give in so easily...I need to go back tomorrow!




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Breathe!

Today begins a journey!

This morning, I was up early! Coffee cup in hand, I sat in this beautiful swing and just listened to the sounds! There is running water far below. You can make out just a hint of a stream! Bird sounds come from every direction.

Then, while I sit and take in the beauty, I hear a buzz! Right in front of me is the most charming hummingbird! There it is, fluttering wildly and staring at me. What are you trying to tell me little bird? Do you also see the beauty in this day? Let's both just take it in, shall we?


Let the journey begin!

Here You Come Again!

Over the past several months, I have had the opportunity to live alone!  At some moments, it was sad and lonely but those were just moments.  The rest of the time was spent "finding myself"!  Now if that isn't a 70's Hippie thing to finally do in 2012!

Out of the rubble in my brain came a 60 page document that I entitled "Here You Come Again"!  It highlights lessons that I have learned from people who have been in my life but have now passed on to another  world.  I added links to different songs and videos that reminded me of that person or a particular lesson and all in all I feel that the document is a personal masterpiece!  Emphasis on personal.  I will never be the kind of person who boasts about myself but this document has maybe helped me to clarify what I think and why I think the way I do.  It has been a revelation in how to accept people for who they are and not pile blame on them for who you are!

Here You Come Again is the title because of the voices in my head that just keep playing over and over again during my life journey.  Those voices can very clearly be sorted by person who has passed.  Do you suppose that our loved ones continue to surround us daily, doing the best they can to whisper suggestions into our ears?  Maybe!

At any rate, I would like to see if I can copy and paste this document into a blog so that the links can be followed.


Here You Come Again

I have it linked here right now through iWork.  This may or may not last over time.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

Somehow I had started this and never sent it. Now I open up Blogsy and here he is. I will see him this weekend. He has been moved to a rehab center. Don't know if he will be better or not. I have been so wrapped up in my own drama that I can't remember to call him.

You know, I love him even though I can't take on his care. I wish he had made better choices in his life but who am I to talk.

This is a Test!

I am being tested right now.  Over the past months, I have had the opportunity to reflect like never before on me, on my family, on the lessons learned over a lifetime, and on the feeling about the rest of my life and how I see it playing out.

What I have come to realize about myself:

• I might be selfish but never want or expect anything for myself,
• I might be stubborn but always feel as though I am doing what others want to do,
• I think I am smart but I do so many dumb things!
• I come across as a confident person but I am generally more like a scared puppy inside.

Because of these contradictions, I have struggled to really understand me and that has become my greatest frustration.  So, this winter I went on a search for that person by really studying the people I feel have had the greatest impact on making me me!

After completing that awesome assignment and reading the results over and over again, I see a person who maybe at one time was afraid but pushed herself anyway; maybe lacked confidence but never gave up; continued to find joy in learning new things; and although I really never ask for anything, I do expect a lot.

So... I am confident.  I am smart.  I am stubborn.  And I am selfish!

And, I know these two things for sure - 1) life is short (I have proof) and 2) life is about choices!

So here is the test -  What does a confident, smart, stubborn, selfish person do when they find out that they are unhappy in a marriage?  

They leave it!  They leave it with no regrets even if it will cost them monetarily.  They leave it even though it will be initially painful.  They leave because they know that they have been through this before and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!  They leave it because this confident, smart, stubborn, selfish person is also a positive person who always, always sees the rainbow!

Please God, let me see the rainbow!

Stop and Enjoy the Beauty!

Stop and Enjoy the Beauty!

What will happen if it freezes now?  It's not unusual for snow to fall in Wisconsin as late as April and sometimes even in May.  My mother always warned about planting a garden before Mother's Day.  Someone should have warned Mother Nature!  The magnolia trees have blossomed and blooms are already slowing falling to the ground.  Daffodils are spent!  Tulips are blooming.  Lilacs are ready to bloom.  Apple blossoms are open.  What happens if it freezes now?

Better enjoy this past month.  It could be fleeting.

I Hear and I Remember

Have you ever heard a song and instantly been transported back to a place and time when that song played?  That's what happened to me this morning.

I heard "Hey Jude" by the Beatles and instantaneously I was at a high school dance in a church basement!  It was a Friday night.  I had such a crush on the guy I was dancing with.  I never wanted the song to end.  How is it that I can remember all of that?

People experience things in different ways.  For me, music seems to be the one avenue to lock things into my memory for years.  I memorized the multiplication tables from a series of rhythmic songs on little 45's. I figured out how to remember the plays of Shakespeare by developing a verse.  Perhaps American History would have been easier for me if I had been able to hear the roots music of the time.

I have been writing/reflecting on people in my life and find that I want to connect them to specific songs or performers.  For instance, when I think of my dad, the song that comes to mind is "Tumbling Tumble Weeds" by the Sons of the Pioneers.  When I think of my mom, I think of the Lawrence Welk show.

And on and on the memories go.

So today,  although I have never been a musician,  my thought is that I am so grateful for the music in my life.  It seems to be the rhythm of my memories!