Out of the blue, I received phone calls over the past three months from two brothers and a sister whom I have not spoken with in at least 2 years. Much like the friendship of my earlier blog, I have to ask myself if it is me who is not reaching out enough!
As a family, we have not been close since my mom died. I was 29 at the time of her death. We tried to maintain a sense of family but we struggled with our differences. Values, beliefs and ethics were vastly different from the oldest to the youngest in our group based on how the world had changed over the span of time.
I was raised at a time when the male/female roles were in turmoil. My mother's lessons were that men should find good jobs to provide for the wife and children. Women should care for their men. The world messages, during my adolescent years, were that women had the right to pursue their own career and duties should be shared.
My oldest sister and brother moved into adulthood with my mother's lessons. My sister married but was frustrated by the knowledge that her husband thought she should work.
My oldest brother felt he had a obligation to provide so would not let his wife work even though she desperately wanted to.
The next older brother got caught in the past but with a selfish, spoiled twist. He believed that he was the bread winner. He also believed that as that bread winner, he had no obligation to assist with anything inside the walls of the home. That was the duty of the woman. He struggled in school but so what. He felt that school was just a nuisance that passed time until he could leave and find the job that would make him wealthy. He believed that he had an inherent right to a job that paid well enough to provide for a family.
My younger brother grew up in the shadow of two older brothers and no dad. My oldest brother tried to be the dad and teach him about duty and work ethic. The younger rebeled against these roles and continued into adulthood rebeling against anything that appeared to be rule driven. He did not like being told what to do.
My younger sister, who was 9 years younger, grew up at the time when drugs and sexual freedoms were the norm. As you can imagine, she and my mom fought about this. This sister married a man who perhaps, like my brother, felt women needed to maintain their place. He gave my sister more than one black eye before she finally left him!
Now today, I have three siblings who struggle with alcohol, drugs and joblessness. They drifted into their own worlds believing that they didn't need anyone. Now today they hover around issues of depression and point fingers of blame at the world that they believe caused them to not be able to have their American dream.
My oldest sister and I have maintained a friendship and although she was raised in the past and would love to have someone care for her, she has fought alone to raise children and care for herself. She works hard to have the things she wants and works even harder to continue to dream hopeful dreams. I am a mix of everything except I do not want to be taken care of. In fact during the women's movement, I argued that I did not need to join a liberation movement to show that I was capable! I do have the sense of duty and work ethic and I continue to dream hopeful dreams along with my sister. I do not, however, believe that the world owes me anything. I have what I have because of me, no one else! My oldest sister and I are fighters. That's the difference! We take what is, acknowledge it and then move on! We talk daily, share ups and downs, help each other when we need to.
The calls from the others recently were calls for help! They are losing everything now that they thought was a right. The world can be a dark place when you have no money, no home, no family!
So...now they want a family again!
