We get to the first destination and we're greeted by a woman who will guide us through a ceremonial dance designed to help us open up memories and feelings from our past. This is the second time we experience the tradition of the "medicine circle". As we face north, we are to think about how we might have felt as a baby and let our bodies move in a way that would depict that. I start out rocking slowly, inhibited but moving. With my eyes closed I forced myself to be that baby but then in rushed the words of my mother..." you were a very fussy baby! You made your brother and sister so mad because they had to rock you and rock you!". I started rocking and moving around in the circle, holding this fussy baby!
Then we were told to face south and bring forth our inner child. Think about being playful and carefree! I could hear the others as they seemed to easily take on this role, laughing and dancing in crazy circles! I tried to feel that child in me but it wasn't clear. I was glad when we were told to face east.
Facing east we were to bring out the shadows. Think about your ancestors, those who have gone before you. What lessons did they leave for you? Think about your parents, your mother. What did she teach you? The answer came flooding into my brain---FEAR! My mother taught me to be afraid! We were to keep moving and dancing to represent the shadows to acknowledge their presence in our lives. I was completely in my own space, in my own head, the feeling of anger replacing inhibitions.
Finally facing west, feel the sun on your face. Gather strength from it's warmth. Feel that strength fill your body. Bring forth the lessons from infancy, childhood, and your shadows. Acknowledge their roles in your life but now think about how you want to move forward. I feel it. I know it. I want to move forward strong! Now join everyone together, making one sculpture. Choose one position and hold it. I make a fist and raise it towards the shadows. Fear cannot define me!
Leaving the circle and heading to the next destination, I am happy that I had chosen to come back. This "dance" had just clarified so many things for me. I felt confirmed that although I have deep hurtful memories from my past, I don't need them to define me. But now we arrive at a place that requires us to walk across a stream from stone to stone. Well, there goes my strength again. I feel fear. I don't want to slip! The last time I slipped, I injured my knee so bad that it required surgery. I finally decided that wet shoes were a better option then falling so I just stepped into the water and walked across!
While everyone swims, I talk to Marla. She too is facing a separation from her husband. She said they are still great friends. She had finally thanked him for the role he had played in her life and for the many lessons she had learned from him. She left him feeling whole and because of that, they were both able to move forward.
Before we left this final location for the day, we were asked to share our thoughts. I said, "you know, I had not planned on coming back. After yesterday, I was angry, frustrated and humiliated. I think mostly at myself but also at Bob! But after talking about it with my girls, I do know that I don't want to be seen as a burden. This is my journey and I need to make sure that I don't expect others to carry me. I also know that I have an awesome opportunity to be a great role model for two fantastic daughters. I don't want the shadows to define me! I want my lessons to be about strength not about fear! And Bob, I'm not mad at you anymore. I understand what you were telling me"! Later Bob said, " yesterday, when you sat on that rock for three hours, did you see anyone pass you?". I answered with "no". He continued then, "do you get that? Do you understand that most people only take the hiking paths down on the ground?". He then just walked away leaving me to process what he had just said.
I had felt bad about not making it to the top of that mountain. I felt like I was weak and a quitter. In his quiet subtle way, Bob had just told me that I had actually had more courage then most people! Do you get that, Jane?
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