Follow the Chosen Path...Or Not!

I consider myself a rule follower, always the "good girl".  I obey traffic rules.  I didn't experiment with drugs during college.  I sit in my assigned seat at a ballgame!

And yet, when it came to assigned gender roles, there was always something in me that fought against the simple act of following.  Most times, the "path" was clear but almost always I said "Well what would happen if I went this way instead"?

When I was young, this very behavior was seen as being obstinate.  It caused a rift between my mother and myself that was never resolved.  But there I was, this timid, awkward creature, trusting my instincts and veering off the chosen path just to see what else might be out there.

In the beginning, each time I ventured out, I kept the chosen path in my line of vision at all times.  I will never forget how I used this strategy when I first entered the workforce after college.  My plan was to work as a teacher for three years to get my life time teaching license and then quit and be a full time stay at home mom.  My plan - veer off the chosen path then come back - did not work, though, because what I ultimately found on the other path was something that I liked just as much, if not even better. I also realized that the adventure and discovery that occurred when I took different paths was exhilarating!

I believe, now, that this is the reason I can embrace change with relative ease.  Over the past years, I have heard others complain about how difficult it is to deal with all the change that's occurring around them.  In fact, it seems to be causing them severe anxiety.  To me, change is just following a different path.  Change is also being willing to constantly evaluate your current path to determine if it's taking you where you want to go.

My life has been about trusting my instincts and following unexpected paths. To my daughters, I have said, "Life provides different doors for you.  You choose to go through a new door or not."  On the other side is...well you have to go through it, yourself,  to see!

Dreams Unwritten!

The typewriter that my mom used in her high school typing class...the shoes she wore as a child...I carry these mementos from place to place with me as a reminder.  Now, however, I wonder - what am I trying to remember?  What is it that I don't want to forget?

The answer has been crystalizing over the past months as I have embarked on a new life journey.  This mother of mine who described me as a fussy baby,  who taught me how to be afraid, why do I carry her around with me in the form of a typewriter and little girl's school shoes?

Well, my mother was a writer.  Oh, she didn't write for anyone but herself but she loved to write.  She loved this, along with many other things, but never had the opportunity to do.  The reason was not because of personal limitations or lack of motivation or desire.  The reason she never had the opportunity to live out her dreams was because of the expectations and demands of others...and maybe that ugly word, FEAR!  My mother was born in 1921.  Women had just been given the "right" to vote!  Still, women had roles that they were expected to carry out.  During my mother's lifetime, she described how she almost wasn't allowed to attend high school until a Catholic school opened up. College was out of the question.   All this education was unnecessary for a girl.  Her dad dictated who she could and could not date.  They, too, had to be Catholic.  The Catholic church dictated that there be no form of birth control used other than what they called the "rhythm method".  In the end, my mother had eleven pregnancies with six of us surviving.

By the time I came along, my mother was an angry woman.  She was tired of laboring on a farm and caring for children especially me.  Remember I was that fussy baby!  Her bedroom "office" was her sanctuary.  Any spare time she could find was spent banging away on this typewriter.  She wrote beautifully descriptive pieces about mornings on the farm, the sounds of the birds, the gentle breezes blowing.  She wrote about Christmas' and the excitement of children with their presents.  She wrote poems and snapped pictures of other people and their new acquisitions.  But she never wrote about her disappointments in life.  She never wrote about her anger; how she would grab whatever stick was handy and start hitting and hitting and hitting...one of us!

If the written stories were all that was ever passed forward, one would believe that she had been a happy person with a gift of seeing the beauty in life.  She was anything but happy!   She instead lived a life dictated by others.  She wrote about moments that perhaps gave her momentary joy and took out her rage on those  of us who were handy.

Have you ever heard the saying "they broke the mold when they made you"!  Well, I think that fussy baby was born to break the mold!  I never could accept the idea that I had a dictated role to play.  I never thought it was fair that girls were supposed to have specific girl roles!  I broke the family cycle that said college was "unnecessary"!  I worked full time and raised children but I left the Catholic birth control method at the door of the church!  I did the best I could to raise my girls to believe in helping others but also to believe that their own personal dreams are possible as well.

I think now that I carry my mother's typewriter around with me to remember the heavy burden she endured.  It's symbolic of all her unwritten dreams.  She was a person who spent her life being told how to live, afraid to do what she really wanted to do. The typewriter holds the memories of all the anger and resentment that truly lived behind her beautifully typed descriptions of our life events.

Mom's typewriter is a symbol that says:  

• Don't let others hold you back.  
• Demand the freedom to pursue your dreams with conviction and determination.  
• You control how your life is written!

Sometimes others try to dictate my path and sometimes fear tries to take over but, in the end, strength prevails!  I have more dreams yet unwritten!  

Fussy baby has more to add to her life story!

Breathe - Part Two

So, the first week of May, my daughters and I completed a journey to Sedona, Arizona called Freedom from Body Memory. We were told to expect life changes upon our return. I had such conviction that first day back that I knew what my next steps needed to be. I immediately drove to an apartment complex in Franklin Wisconsin and signed a lease.

Today is May 18th. It should have been a day to celebrate my 16th wedding anniversary. I am celebrating it at my new apartment,alone! Well, actually not exactly alone. I am surrounded bythesounds of birds and a great big old raccoon sauntered out of the nature preserve to say hi as well!

When Jim and I married, we had each already experienced divorce before. We made a promise to each other that if the time ever came that one of us wanted out, we would not make it a painful experience for the other. In our own way, we are honoring that request. I came back from Sedona and shared with him my revelations. At the end I thanked him for the lessons I had learned during our years together.

Tonight, I sit in peace, having conquered one of my fears. I faced the fear of the unknown. I pulled that blanket down away from my eyes and here I am again, looking out at beauty!

 

 

My Power Animal!

One of the lessons learned from my Sedona journey is to open up our awareness to all things that present themselves to us. Entertain the possibility that all things happen for a reason. On the first day of the journey, I sat enjoying coffee and listening to the sounds outside our rented home. In minutes, I heard the buzzing sound of a hummingbird. I have always been intrigued by these littlest of birds and this morning, seeing this particular bird gave me great joy. And I found myself asking it, "What are you trying to tell me this morning, little bird"? Then, we spent the day with a powerful woman by the name of "Healing Wolf" and she reiterated the sense that I had long believed. Animals do carry messages to us! I was told about a book that could actually help guide these thoughts and the one purchased was "Power Animals - How to Connect With Your Animal Spirit Guide". What I read was that Power Animals are "spirit guides" that serve to guide you through challenging times. They are meant to protect, guide, and provide us with encouragement and inspiration.

I read through the first part quickly and understand that my Power Animal might be one that I am especially drawn to...and the first one that jumped into my thoughts was the hummingbird! I turned immediately to these pages and find the following:

Hummingbird's Message to Me - "I love life! It's such a treat to be able to fly backward, forward, up, and down. Lots of flexibility as to which direction I go. I'm especially sensitive and careful about who I let close to me, so if something seems at all scary or intimidating, I'm outta there!". Does this sound like me?

but then the message continue "Say yes to life! Taste the sweet nectar that is always nearby, even if you have to fly around for awhile until you find it. Know the only true prison you have is the belief in your limitations. Let them go, and experience the abundance of love and opportunity that's all around".

Still the message continues to speak to me. I will take more time to study this book and the power of animal spirits. It's intriguing, isn't it? Think about the possibility that animals, flowers, trees all exist for a higher purpose - to guide us along this journey called life. All we have to do is open ourselves up to it and just Listen!

Oh, and just so you know, each day as I sat on my rock waiting and thinking about the lessons I was to take from the climb, I was visited by the hummingbird!

Redefining Me - Conclusion ( for now)

 

The mountain became a metaphor for my life and the lives of each member of the group. My journey stopped me short of the top both times leaving me out of the loop on the aha moments of the others.

My daughters shared stories of how they pushed through fear. Erin's was found on a narrow ledge.

Katie surprised herself with her strength.

Both of them complimented me on mine! I had not felt strong or able! I had spent hours, instead feeling trapped by my own fears! As everyone prepared to leave, Bob tentatively offered his card. I looked him in the eyes for the first time and then hugged him, saying "I'm so sorry I yelled at you. And I don't generally use inappropriate language. But thank you for pushing me to my limit"! He very quietly just said, "That's my job"!

I had not been a full member of this group, twice not being able to join the learning circles, yet as each said good-bye, they added such wonderful words of support - "you were an inspiration!", "I will always admire your strength to keep going even though you had no idea what this journey was about", " every time you spoke, I was taken by your insight". I will channel these words every time I find myself feeling like a failure!

What I did come away with, though, was that I had climbed MY mountain! I had reached a place that now gives me a strong conviction to love my life, to push forward with power, to know that I have more strength then I think I have, and to face fear head on!

Deeper then before, I also have a new respect for the strength of my daughters! I will never allow myself to be a burden to them, nor will I ever stand in the way of their life journey. On the last night, we raised a glass in a toast that we will "hold space" for each other's issues but know that it is up to each one of us to solve them ourselves. And no matter what, we will love each other, unconditionally!

Life is short! We each have to find the ways to live it 100%. Ending with no regrets! I am on the right path again! The journey to Sedona became a journey within! I found a group of people who each climbed their own mountains. We all left stronger!

 

Redefining Me - part 3

We're climbing again today! It's not as steep as the other and when we get to the top, you'll have a 360 degree view of below!

I am already panicking. I go to Bob and say, "I'm only going as far as I feel comfortable today. I don't want to slow everybody down". He just responds with, "whatever you say"!

We start the long trek and he tells the two slowest walkers to lead the way! That would be me and another lady who is 66 years old and has hip problems. We make the flat path part of the journey look like we are seasoned hikers. At least in our minds! But then the path starts leading up the rocks and there I am again feeling weak and unable! Bob is yelling from behind, "come on, Jane, use those legs. Let's go"!

 

Pretty soon others are passing us, easily climbing those rocks. My feet slide and I become more and more nervous. The 66 year old lady is helping me! Bob tells her not to pull me. I need to use the power in my legs! I keep climbing, panting, sweating, and thinking...I want to stop right here. Bob keeps pushing me forward. " find your feet. Feel the solid ground. You don't want to stop. Wait till you see the top. You can do this. I sip some water. Take a few breathes and keep climbing. Slipping and sliding on pieces of red rock, wanting to enjoy the moment but feeling only fear. Others seem so able to move from rock to rock up the hill. I have to study each one to find the most secure path.

I reach a certain level and we're told to stop and take a break. "Hey Jane! High five! You made it half way"! Half way? I'm exhausted and this is just half way? We are to turn and continue. The climb becomes steeper. Bob is right in my ear saying "you don't want to give up now! You have more strength then you think. Dig deep. Push yourself"!

And then it happens! I look at a rock that I can't imagine climbing up. I don't have enough strength in my legs to push up this rock. I start to breathe fast and hard. "I can't do this one"! "yes you can". "No, I can't! Leave me here I'll be fine". "The top is right there. Thirty more feet and you've got it". "No, Bob, I can't. Let me stay right here!".

Then Jonathan says "maybe this approach would work better. All you have to do is ease across the front of this rock and then climb up this side".

I look it over and decide to try. Easing myself across the front of this rock, I try not to look down. I'm almost to the other side when I realize the the assent is still steep and I reach full out panic! I start to cry. "I can't do this. I need to go back". It's then that I realize that I don't know how to go back. I'm afraid to turn around! With some help, I am turned so I can face the rock, but then I start sliding. Not much, but I can't tell where I sliding to so I cling with my whole body to the flat surface of this rock and the horrifying fear takes complete control. I can't move! There is nothing to hold on to. My hands are sweating as I desperately cling on. Jonathan is right behind me saying "you're perfectly safe". But I don't believe him. I can hear that the others have made it up. Why can't I do this? I start to sob. Deep painful sobs that seem to come from nowhere I have ever been before! Jonathan stays with me saying "let it out. Release it. Let it go"! Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing! Frustration, anger, fear, helplessness! Deep painful despair! And then it's done.

I quietly still cling to this rock while Jonathan says "you'll need to push yourself away from the rock and turn your feet into the rock so you don't slide". I think that I can't make myself do either of these things. And then from above, the group starts singing Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a retch like me! I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see! Somehow, I gather every bit of strength I have and push my arms away from the rock. It was surprisingly easy! My feet followed and I find that I can ease back across the face of the stone. A couple of slides and reoccurring panics but I make it back to solid ground. I am relieved but totally spent, happy to stay put on yet another rock while the rest of the group continues to the top once again!

 

For the next two and a half hours, I sat in this spot trying to come to grips with what had just happened,thankful to be on a solid surface but humbled by how fear had taken over my entire being and rendered me frozen. While the rest of the group continued their journey to the top, each fighting their own demons, I had found mine on the side of that rock!

How much of my life has been defined by fear? I think of how I would sing to myself as I went into exams or class presentations "I have confidence in confidence alone and so you can see I have confidence in me"! How many times in my life had I not done something because I lacked the confidence? How many opportunities went by me because I had too much fear to see them? How much of my life had I settled for something other than what I wanted because it was easier to just keep the peace. How many times did I avoid a confrontation because I was afraid of the fight that might erupt so I sat in silence like my dad?

I closed my eyes and let a peace come over me. "Let go, let God".

We will each die when it is our time. We have just one brief moment on this earth to enjoy. I had been pulling a big heavy blanket over me, covering my eyes so I couldn't see...but now I let that blanket fall away and all that's there is beauty!

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a retch like me! I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see!

How Do I Define Myself? Part Two

So the next morning arrives and I feel stronger and ready to tackle the day...dancing, swimming, whatever. I don't want to be defined as a quitter!

We get to the first destination and we're greeted by a woman who will guide us through a ceremonial dance designed to help us open up memories and feelings from our past. This is the second time we experience the tradition of the "medicine circle". As we face north, we are to think about how we might have felt as a baby and let our bodies move in a way that would depict that. I start out rocking slowly, inhibited but moving. With my eyes closed I forced myself to be that baby but then in rushed the words of my mother..." you were a very fussy baby! You made your brother and sister so mad because they had to rock you and rock you!". I started rocking and moving around in the circle, holding this fussy baby!

Then we were told to face south and bring forth our inner child. Think about being playful and carefree! I could hear the others as they seemed to easily take on this role, laughing and dancing in crazy circles! I tried to feel that child in me but it wasn't clear. I was glad when we were told to face east.

Facing east we were to bring out the shadows. Think about your ancestors, those who have gone before you. What lessons did they leave for you? Think about your parents, your mother. What did she teach you? The answer came flooding into my brain---FEAR! My mother taught me to be afraid! We were to keep moving and dancing to represent the shadows to acknowledge their presence in our lives. I was completely in my own space, in my own head, the feeling of anger replacing inhibitions.

Finally facing west, feel the sun on your face. Gather strength from it's warmth. Feel that strength fill your body. Bring forth the lessons from infancy, childhood, and your shadows. Acknowledge their roles in your life but now think about how you want to move forward. I feel it. I know it. I want to move forward strong! Now join everyone together, making one sculpture. Choose one position and hold it. I make a fist and raise it towards the shadows. Fear cannot define me!

Leaving the circle and heading to the next destination, I am happy that I had chosen to come back. This "dance" had just clarified so many things for me. I felt confirmed that although I have deep hurtful memories from my past, I don't need them to define me. But now we arrive at a place that requires us to walk across a stream from stone to stone. Well, there goes my strength again. I feel fear. I don't want to slip! The last time I slipped, I injured my knee so bad that it required surgery. I finally decided that wet shoes were a better option then falling so I just stepped into the water and walked across!

While everyone swims, I talk to Marla. She too is facing a separation from her husband. She said they are still great friends. She had finally thanked him for the role he had played in her life and for the many lessons she had learned from him. She left him feeling whole and because of that, they were both able to move forward.

Before we left this final location for the day, we were asked to share our thoughts. I said, "you know, I had not planned on coming back. After yesterday, I was angry, frustrated and humiliated. I think mostly at myself but also at Bob! But after talking about it with my girls, I do know that I don't want to be seen as a burden. This is my journey and I need to make sure that I don't expect others to carry me. I also know that I have an awesome opportunity to be a great role model for two fantastic daughters. I don't want the shadows to define me! I want my lessons to be about strength not about fear! And Bob, I'm not mad at you anymore. I understand what you were telling me"! Later Bob said, " yesterday, when you sat on that rock for three hours, did you see anyone pass you?". I answered with "no". He continued then, "do you get that? Do you understand that most people only take the hiking paths down on the ground?". He then just walked away leaving me to process what he had just said.

I had felt bad about not making it to the top of that mountain. I felt like I was weak and a quitter. In his quiet subtle way, Bob had just told me that I had actually had more courage then most people! Do you get that, Jane?