During the first month of retirement, I cleaned like a crazy woman; emptying all of the closets and sorting out everything that felt "work" related. Why would I ever need business wear again? In thirty days, I ran a mega garage sale and didn't care to make any money. It was just a revelation to see it all out of the house! Now with closets in order, I sat on my back porch to hear those birds sing and drink in the day! That lasted for two or three days!
Then I went running back to school to find out if there was anything at all that I could do to fill my time. I was bored! Within minutes I was back. Sort of! I was given tasks at least that kept me linked to the school email, school staff. I wasn't involved in the day to day conversations though and I felt it. I wasn't a necessary voice to weigh in on any decision but I buried myself in the tasks that I had been given and tried to believe that I was still important to the district's success. I was like a race car running at high speed. The race had ended but my mind was still racing!
But then, something happened! I slipped and twisted my knee!
The car, still going a hundred miles an hours, crashed!
I was told that my body (at least my leg) was to be in the repair shop for 4 to 6 weeks!
WHAT? Sit? Elevate? Ice?
It will get worse before it gets better. The swelling will increase. You will have to spend time working the muscles so they don't grow stiff and immobile. Use the crutches so you don't limp! And you will need to start physical therapy once a week.
Suddenly, I had a completely foreign new assignment. I was to focus on ME! And...accept help! I had to...I couldn't even get my own socks on!
...It has now been six weeks and I have endured the sitting, the physical therapy, the pain with a new found humility. At one point, I looked at our house's front step as though it were a mountain. I was thankful to have anything or anyone to hold on to so that I could make that one step down. I understand fear differently now. Fear is now the knowledge that anything can happen at any time in an instant that will change your direction immediately! For a person who embraces change, I don't like this kind of surprise!
But now, I think I have finally learned to pull away from that lifelong career in education. While sequestered to the couch, I was limited to projects within reach. I found photos on my laptop that I had been wanting to do something with, so a movie was born! Some photos were of summer flowers and, with the help of an app, I spent hours enhancing each one to look like a work of art! Those have now become individual cards that will bring smiles to other people over the next year.
Still, after six weeks I had a brief meltdown because my recovery wasn't as fast or complete as I had hoped it would be. I had to cancel a planned trip to see my daughters because I had come to a realization that I still did not have the strength to endure the length of the trip! It was like I was battling my brain! One lobe in "Get up, get moving", the other in "Slow down, be careful". In the end, my knee spoke! And I actually listened! I cried, but I listened!
What I am discovering from all of this is a need for inner peace! Find the calm! Accept what is! I am finally realizing that I no longer need to climb a mountain every day! Nor do I even need to plan to climb a mountain! All I need to do is step back and enjoy the view!
I think I am finally ready to retire! The season has changed!
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