I worried about this day, not of the potential revelations but of the physical challenges. I braced myself with good shoes and a pair of walking sticks. Looking at the mountain we were to climb made me tear up! I can't do that! I was reassured. It's a slow steady climb. Looks can be deceptive! So I started.
Already on flat ground, I am out of breath. I can't keep pace. Bob hangs back with me. Tells me to just go one step at a time. No problem. Sip of water, catch my breath, keep going. Then the climb begins! It's not just walking uphill, it's climbing up rocks! I do the first couple and then I feel the fear! I can't do this! Yes you can. Feel your feet, trust your feet. You don't need the walking sticks. They get in your way. Trust the strength in your legs. I don't! My legs are the weakest part of me. I start to cry and I'm told that I'm releasing! Releasing what? Maybe frustration...maybe anger...but about what and at whom! Me? Bob?
So then Bob says " I heard you say that you like traveling with your girls because they push you to do things you wouldn't normally do"! No offense, but do you really want to be a burden on them? They have their own journey. Yet they are here worried about you! Do you want to keep them from their own journey? Of course the answer is "no"! "How old are you anyway"? When I answer with "61". His response is "my grandmother is 84 and still runs circles around us". So I push up several more rocks, angry and frustrated. I don't want to be a burden. I am not old. I can take care of myself. But then the rocks getting higher and the fear deepens. Now it's replaced with "How am I going to get back down"?
Bob says "is this where you want to stop? I spent four hours with another person once and I swore I was never going to do that again! Is this where you want to stop!". "yes, go, go! I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to slow you down'! "Ok, you have water. You have food. Stay in the shade!"
So there I am on the side of this mountain, higher then I thought I'd ever go, sitting and waiting for the others to finish their climb and come back down. I sat there for three hours!
I sat and first thought about how stupid I was for trying this anyway. Then running over the words that Bob said, I spent the rest of the time thinking about how much I don't want to be a burden on my kids, how I want them to experience their lives the way they want.
My next thought was I am sitting here alone. So much of my life has been dealing with things alone. Everyone else is at the top of the rock. I find out later that they are "unwinding" - what ever that is - but with the support of each other. I am sitting on a rock alone!
All of a sudden, I think about how hard it is to be alone. How frightening. Perhaps the choices I am making to leave Jim are all wrong. Maybe what I should do is show the courage to stay in this marriage. Perhaps my job is to help him get the help he needs. He told me as well how desperately lonely he was in Florida. He also told me that Erin and Katie were not going to want me around all the time. Now here was Bob saying the same thing! So ok, if I ever get off this rock, I will just go back to Jim. He wants me and it's comforting to think about just letting all the stress, anxiety, and fear of leaving behind.
So there it was, my reason to be alone on this rock was to figure out that I needed to go home!
Three hours later, I hear a voice. Jonathan is coming back down followed by three others. "How you doing Jane?". I just start to cry. "What's the matter?" all I can say is "I'm afraid to climb down". "Here, take my hand, I'll help you"! I make it off the rocks and I walk the rest of the way with thoughts that are so conflicted. I don't want to burden my daughters. I want to show them a strong woman.
Bob calls out "Hi Jane! How you doing? My answer was, " You know what Bob, the lesson I learned from today is that I am alone and I need to figure things out for myself! He says the typical stuff like "How's that worked for you in the past? My answer is "It doesn't seem to matter. It's been this way my whole life! I'll figure it out!". Then he says, Here take my hand! I reply with "You wouldn't give me your hand when I couldn't get up the rocks, why would I need your hand now on flat ground"?
He walks on!
Later that night, my girls share their insights about the day. I say, "I don't think I'm going back tomorrow"! I was still angry and frustrated as I recounted the way things happened from my perspective. They had worried about me being left behind but had been told that I was fine and in the right place for "my journey". The next day we were told that we would be dancing and swimming! Great! Two more things that I don't feel that good at! Let's just add to the humiliation, shall we!
Then, Erin says, "You are not a burden to us. You have always pushed us to do things and you have never held us back. Bob just heard a couple of things and thinks he knows you and us! He's just wrong... Mom, what if Bob was intending to make you angry? What if he did that on purpose"?
I showed them the picture that I had taken from "my rock". Erin said, "Look at this, it's beautiful! If you really look at it, it could have deep meaning. The cactus is like all the prickly parts of your life, the two yellow flowers could be us, the tree stands protective, and the horizon just shows how much beauty there is out in the world if you just look out at it." I smiled and gave her a hug. Wise beyond her years!
Then a red cardinal landed on a tree branch. Katie asked who I thought that cardinal could represent. We decided that it could represent my brother Dave. Then Katie said, "What would Dave think about your decision to return home to Jim"? I said that he would just weigh the facts. So we started laying out the facts of my marriage to Jim and in the end the fact was that my decision to just stay with Jim was not about being strong but instead it was about staying just because it was easier. If this weeks journey was to prove to us that we are strong and capable women, then I needed to not give in so easily.
If this week is to be about being strong and capable, then I need to not give in so easily...I need to go back tomorrow!
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