Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Redefining Me - part 3

We're climbing again today! It's not as steep as the other and when we get to the top, you'll have a 360 degree view of below!

I am already panicking. I go to Bob and say, "I'm only going as far as I feel comfortable today. I don't want to slow everybody down". He just responds with, "whatever you say"!

We start the long trek and he tells the two slowest walkers to lead the way! That would be me and another lady who is 66 years old and has hip problems. We make the flat path part of the journey look like we are seasoned hikers. At least in our minds! But then the path starts leading up the rocks and there I am again feeling weak and unable! Bob is yelling from behind, "come on, Jane, use those legs. Let's go"!

 

Pretty soon others are passing us, easily climbing those rocks. My feet slide and I become more and more nervous. The 66 year old lady is helping me! Bob tells her not to pull me. I need to use the power in my legs! I keep climbing, panting, sweating, and thinking...I want to stop right here. Bob keeps pushing me forward. " find your feet. Feel the solid ground. You don't want to stop. Wait till you see the top. You can do this. I sip some water. Take a few breathes and keep climbing. Slipping and sliding on pieces of red rock, wanting to enjoy the moment but feeling only fear. Others seem so able to move from rock to rock up the hill. I have to study each one to find the most secure path.

I reach a certain level and we're told to stop and take a break. "Hey Jane! High five! You made it half way"! Half way? I'm exhausted and this is just half way? We are to turn and continue. The climb becomes steeper. Bob is right in my ear saying "you don't want to give up now! You have more strength then you think. Dig deep. Push yourself"!

And then it happens! I look at a rock that I can't imagine climbing up. I don't have enough strength in my legs to push up this rock. I start to breathe fast and hard. "I can't do this one"! "yes you can". "No, I can't! Leave me here I'll be fine". "The top is right there. Thirty more feet and you've got it". "No, Bob, I can't. Let me stay right here!".

Then Jonathan says "maybe this approach would work better. All you have to do is ease across the front of this rock and then climb up this side".

I look it over and decide to try. Easing myself across the front of this rock, I try not to look down. I'm almost to the other side when I realize the the assent is still steep and I reach full out panic! I start to cry. "I can't do this. I need to go back". It's then that I realize that I don't know how to go back. I'm afraid to turn around! With some help, I am turned so I can face the rock, but then I start sliding. Not much, but I can't tell where I sliding to so I cling with my whole body to the flat surface of this rock and the horrifying fear takes complete control. I can't move! There is nothing to hold on to. My hands are sweating as I desperately cling on. Jonathan is right behind me saying "you're perfectly safe". But I don't believe him. I can hear that the others have made it up. Why can't I do this? I start to sob. Deep painful sobs that seem to come from nowhere I have ever been before! Jonathan stays with me saying "let it out. Release it. Let it go"! Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing! Frustration, anger, fear, helplessness! Deep painful despair! And then it's done.

I quietly still cling to this rock while Jonathan says "you'll need to push yourself away from the rock and turn your feet into the rock so you don't slide". I think that I can't make myself do either of these things. And then from above, the group starts singing Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a retch like me! I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see! Somehow, I gather every bit of strength I have and push my arms away from the rock. It was surprisingly easy! My feet followed and I find that I can ease back across the face of the stone. A couple of slides and reoccurring panics but I make it back to solid ground. I am relieved but totally spent, happy to stay put on yet another rock while the rest of the group continues to the top once again!

 

For the next two and a half hours, I sat in this spot trying to come to grips with what had just happened,thankful to be on a solid surface but humbled by how fear had taken over my entire being and rendered me frozen. While the rest of the group continued their journey to the top, each fighting their own demons, I had found mine on the side of that rock!

How much of my life has been defined by fear? I think of how I would sing to myself as I went into exams or class presentations "I have confidence in confidence alone and so you can see I have confidence in me"! How many times in my life had I not done something because I lacked the confidence? How many opportunities went by me because I had too much fear to see them? How much of my life had I settled for something other than what I wanted because it was easier to just keep the peace. How many times did I avoid a confrontation because I was afraid of the fight that might erupt so I sat in silence like my dad?

I closed my eyes and let a peace come over me. "Let go, let God".

We will each die when it is our time. We have just one brief moment on this earth to enjoy. I had been pulling a big heavy blanket over me, covering my eyes so I couldn't see...but now I let that blanket fall away and all that's there is beauty!

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a retch like me! I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see!

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