Life's Journey - Part 3

The Love's of My Life

There is something far greater than yourself and your dreams! There is something even greater than a marriage. There is the ultimate sharing of your life with children. Children truly need you like no one else ever does. And I find that the need to be needed has been a huge part of my life's focus. It's how I seem to define "love".

Erin was born in 1977. I was 27 years old...and ready to be a mom. I had my Dr. Spock book along with a book called "The First Twelve Months". I had dreams, actually nightmare kinds of dreams about forgetting that I had a baby and leaving her home while I went off to a movie! That never happened for real! I was a very conscientious parent.

Erin cried alot but according to Dr. Spock, a parent was not to spoil a child by picking them up every time they cried so I often let her cry! Today, I would pick her up! I'm sure she knew that I loved her though. She had a pacifier that was just a bottle top. When she sucked on it, it sqeaked. It became a happy sound that I could hear from her bedroom into many rooms on the first floor. When she got older, she always seemed to need some kind of noise to go to sleep by. A Mickey Mouse song album was a favorite that was played over and over again!

When Katie was born in 1979, Erin was only two. She was still my baby but now looked so big compared to new baby Katie. She called her Kay-a-We-a, short for Katie Marie. Katie didn't cry as much. I seemed to have gotten down the "stay calm mom" stuff. She also didn't have a pacifier but she sucked on the nose of a little rubber giraffe until the whole thing fell apart. Katie and Erin shared so many things and Katie followed Erin's every move sometimes giving up things too early because Erin had outgrown it. They shared the same bedroom and I could hear them every night talking through different events - planning out the first days of school, deciding what they would be for halloween. From the time Katie was able to cross the street, she could be found over at Janie's, a neighbor ladies house. Janie was the one who did a better job of handling cuts and stings. Witch hazel was some kind of magic potion that cured everything along with oversized bandages.

Erin and Katie have been my morning and night...my sun and stars! They have taught me what real love means. Love did not exist in my childhood. My childhood was about obedience and fear! Love existed in my marriage, in the beginning, but I realized that the love there was more one sided. The love from Erin and Katie has always been two way. They have given me as much and many times more love than I have been able to return. The memories, too numerous to list fill my heart with complete satisfaction. Life's Journey - Part 3 has been the ultimate joy!

Life's Journey - Part 2

So, if it's about making the journey your's, why did I drop out of college to get married one semester before completing my BA?

I think that everyone wants someone to love them. I think that is true! I think that we all have a need to be needed. Life isn't about being alone in it, I don't think. So my senior year in college, I was one year from being done and my boyfriend ended up being drafted into the army! He had gotten his BA in May of that year. In October, he was shipped off to basic training in Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. In December of that year, we were married! He was terribly homesick. I loved the fact that he needed me! Everyone at school said,

"Don't do it! Finish school first. You will never come back if you stop now!"

His need for me was more powerful! In less than two months, I planned a wedding complete with sitdown dinner, flowers, and champagne! On January 1 of that year, I was a married lady living in a trailer outside of an army base! My mother never said it but I knew that she felt confirmed in the fact that girls don't need to go to college. They just end up getting married and having kids anyway!

I had gone from being independent of my mother to being dependent on a husband. We had only one car that he took daily to work unless I needed it to go to the laundramat. On those days, I would go to the PX for groceries and buy craft materials to fill my time in the trailer. Then one day, one of his army buddies said,

"Aren't you going to do anything besides sit in this trailer every day? Aren't
you going to get a job or something?"

After months of crafting everything I could with the craft talent that I had, I got a job as an educational assistant at an elementary school in Waynesville MO. We had moved to a different mobile home with neighbors who worked on base so the car was mine now every day.

Working at a school for that year only encouraged me to want to go back to finish what I had started with my college degree. Before our tour of duty with the army ended, I had reapplied to enter school again to student teach when we returned to Wisconsin. We had grown to like the extra money that a second income brought in and with one more semester, I could graduate with a degree and ability to find a job as a teacher.

I returned to Madison one month prior to Mike's return. We had found an apartment on a bus line so there was easy access to the school that I was assigned to for student teaching. For that one month, I went about doing the work that I needed to do but was anxious for Mike to join me. Infact, I was a little nervous and jealous of what he might be doing with a bunch of single guys back at Ft. Leonard Wood. I became worried that he would stop needing me now that his time in the army was almost done.

Life's Journeys - Part 1

How is it that we become the person that we are? What makes up the "being" part of human?

I spend more time these days reflecting on life in general but more and more about the path that I have taken in this journey. Every once in awhile, there will be something that triggers a thought and it's amazing how that thought, which could be a memory from 40 or 50 years ago, still leaves you with feeling of joy, saddness, or anger even today.

This week, I had a thought about the stress that I caused my mother and ultimately the stress that she caused me! I have told my kids about how stories about me as a baby were not really flattering. I screamed and cried, turned blue and even passed out when I didn't get my way! So, who couldn't love that?

As I grew older, I had a fear of my mom that I couldn't really explain but found out from my brothers that she used to get very angry with me and her anger always included physical punishment. I know of times, when I was older, how she would use whatever was handy to strike out at one of us - fly swatters, yard sticks, boards - she was often angry!

When I went to college, something she thought silly for a woman to do, I came home every weekend out of duty until I got up the nerve to stay at school one weekend. I had so much work to do, I told my mom. I needed the weekend to just get caught up! It was the beginning of my real independence! That one weekend was a symbol of me taking charge of myself! Over the first months in college, I struggled with feeling incompetent. I failed a math class because I didn't know how to drop it! I got C's in everything else because I had signed up for 18 credits! Who does that their first semester? But I didn't quit - partially because I didn't want to move home to my mother!

I stayed on for another semester and effectively turned it around! I again took charge of my life. Afterall, that's what it's really about isn't it? It's not about blaming other's for your fate or expecting others to make you happy. It's about making it your journey!

To be continued...

Closing the Door

House of Wisconsin Cheese closed it's doors on State Street this week. It had been a Peschel family business until Mike Peschel, Erin and Katie's dad died in 1995. Before that, it had belonged to their grandpa, Jim Peschel, Sr.

The girls grew up playing in the upstairs of the old store but they also learned how to cut and wrap cheese and make gift boxes and party cheese trays. Most importantly, they learned how to wait on customers. They could answer any question related to cheese, ring up sales and make change by the time they were 8 years old. They didn't understand why people would smile but not really take them seriously. Being nice to people was absolutely necessary because the business needed them to survive. In the old store, their grandpa had sold toilet paper and cat food along with cheese gift products...because that's what people bought! When Mike took it over, he pulled all of those products off the shelves and moved to a more streamlined speciality store. Yet, making a living was not possible without adding something other than cheese so he added deli sandwiches. Then the girls learned how to do the daily prep necessary for such a venture.

Every day was a challenge. What will sell? What needs to go? It was a journey like any other that had it's moments of celebration and moments of utter despair. In the end, the girl's dad left parting words that said "No matter what you do with your life, don't go into retail." It was too hard to make it successful!

15 years ago, another person bought the business with confidence and a dream. He believed that he had the right mix and could make the House of Wisconsin Cheese a success. For 15 years he battled with the same demons...What will sell? What should go? He felt that Mike's spirit lived in the store. But this week, without official notification, he closed the door and walked away!

Erin and Katie and I had the chance to walk through the store one last time. With saddness we looked at abandoned memories. We had always thought that perhaps Mike's spirit lingered in the store. Perhaps he helped it to survive for 15 more years. Now it is a picture of random clutter. For 15 years, each of us would periodically visit, holding on to the spirit perhaps! We have come to believe that everything happens for a reason. We look for the lesson in each occurance. What is the lesson here?

For 15 years, the three of us have moved on but also battled with thoughts of why their dad chose to leave. Still for 15 years, all three of us have taken our turn at calling out to his spirit to help with something. The clutter of the store feels now like the clutter of our thoughts trying to work through tough times in our lives. Perhaps we are supposed to realize that Mike Peschel does not have the answer nor does he now, in his spirit world, have some super power that he didn't possess here on earth! Perhaps he has been trying to tell us that. Perhaps we are supposed to let him go so that he can move on. Perhaps the message that we are supposed to carry away from our journey back to this store is...

It's time to close the door!

Reflections

Last week I attended a conference in Washington DC. At 3:30 each afternoon, my traveling companion and I took the RoundAbout bus to view historic memorials. Truth be known, I had never really wanted to visit Washington DC. I am not political. In fact, I tend to view it as formalized game playing! And, I generally avoid war related museums. Once I stayed right next to the Alamo and refused to actually go see the inside of it. The reason I give is that it just seems to me that there has to be a better way for people to solve problems then to shoot at each other! I struggled to know why so many towns have military canons displayed prominently in parks with such pride.

And then I visited the war memorials in Washington DC! Miles and miles we walked, passing display after display that tried to symbolize the number of people who died...for me!

My brother Dave believed that you fight for what you believe in. He was not a war monger. In fact, he couldn't kill anything. Even during the time honored deer hunting season, Dave took his camera instead of a gun. And yet, Dave served in Viet Nam and Desert Storm because he believed that he owed his country something because his country had given him so much. He served to protect that freedom for his own kids. So here I am in Washington DC passing someone else's brother, dad, mother, son, daughter and thinking that every one of them believed that the battle was worth it even if it cost them their life! And, I am ashamed as I sit in my nice house and have the many conveniences of our life but for 59 years snubbed my nose at those memorials. What have I done to preserve our freedoms? What have I done to make a better life for people who follow me?

The war canon that sits in the downtown park now symbolizes something more to me. It symbolizes being willing to fight for what you believe in. It symbolizes pride in fighting for the right to be free!

This November 11th, I will honor the veterans in a very different way! I will honor them with a deeper sense of duty. They died for me! I owe them that!

Fuzzy Morning

A friend sent a twitter message saying that his son got up, looked out the window and said, "Daddy, it's fuzzy outside!" After receiving the message, I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture and sure enough, it was "fuzzy outside!"

So, I enjoyed the beauty of that for awhile and now today I think, you know it's often "fuzzy outside!" and inside for that matter.

Take for example these fuzzy ideas: What prompts us to decide that now is the time to get married, have kids, move, buy a house, sell a house, change jobs, retire?

What brings clarity to a day? Usually the sun burns through.

What causes the fog to lift in us?

Some decisions I have made in my life felt as though someone was grabbing me by the collar and saying, "Time to move on!" Other times, I have made decisions based on whim - my last car for instance was just because I felt like it! Most of the time,though, I feel as though fate moves me! Opportunities are placed in front of me like a door. I ponder the door for awhile wondering if I should walk through or not. And usually I decide that the door was put there for me to walk through...so I do!

I know other people are presented with doors and something causes them to look away. I am going to say that it's fear! I think that people are often afraid to move in an unfamiliar direction...to walk through a strange door. These people are waiting for the fog to lift! They want to see clearly what is on the other side of the door and if they can't see clearly, they do not pass through.

Life is a journey. For me, being fuzzy outside has been part of my journey. I often couldn't see what was coming next and that actually became part of the fun.

Fuzzy mornings are, in fact, beautiful, if you're willing to really look at them!

Another Photo Story Extraordinair!

If you've been reading this blog, then you know that I have been spending hours laboring over the thought of retirement. This wraps it all up!

I just want to know...did I do the right things with my life?

Right now, I think the answer is "No"! or "Yes"! I don't really know!

I'm not sure that I laughed enough or danced enough. I laughed and danced with children at work but I have spent little time actually enjoying the laughter and friendship of adults who are not related to work.

I have loved but I don't know if it has been deep enough! As a Teacher and as a Principal, I can actully say that I loved each and every one of the kids! I loved their honesty, their enthusiasm, their creativity. I loved their hugs, their smiles, their toothless grins, their birthday treats and valentines. I can also say that I love and have loved my own kids without reservation. They are my center, my life! I loved their dad but not enough. I didn't realize the depth of his dispair. I became selfish at that point in my life and wanted to separate myself from his needs. I will always regret the fact that I didn't pay more attention to what was going on in his life right then. I know that leaving him allowed me to move forward but it came at a great cost! And the there is Jim. I love him differently! I love him as a partner and friend. I know that he has needs and I hesitate now to separate myself from those needs in a self centered way. I have to be able to show at least one partner that I can be there for better or worse!

I have never truly relaxed! Even now, on a Sunday, I check work emails! I did reach for the sky and I found that sky with my job. I have deep and profound satisfaction with my career!

But now it's time to reach for that sky for me. Perhaps I will be able to spend more time listening to the birds or going for a walk in the middle of the day. How about running into Milwaukee to be with Katie just for the heck of it or flying to Columbus to spend time with Erin?

And then there is going to Florida or any place warm for the winter with Jim. We are both so tired of dealing with the winter cold and snow! The thought of not seeing a fleck all winter is something both of us would like to experience.

Is it time to move on? Is it time to let the life of work be someone else's paycheck? Am I ready to pass the baton?